In Her Eyes I See Hope

For too long I led a life of joyless and hopeless pursuits

Of the next best rush since the last one.

*

(When we were younger)

I chose to forsake the real for the fake,

Full satisfaction for the empty dissatisfaction.

(The world was older)

*

Driven by an addictive lust, greed, and thirst

For things that weren't mine to begin with.

(It was never new)

*

It took hitting the bottom of the pit in the worst way

To pull me from the shadows and thick fog.

(Was already used)

*

Shadows and thick fog I still fight through every single day,

Because they deserve better.

(When we were fresh)

*

What started as a casual waste of time

Became a nexus point of devastation.

(The world was broken)

*

A time loop of my own invention,

Round in circles I went, chasing the hits, the highs.

(In need of repair)

*

Each time, dropping napalm,

Tearing open old wounds that still weren't fully healed.

(Full of disorder)

*

Realisation and accountability,

Facing up to the wretched parts of me, was necessary.

(To reclaim order)

*

The only real way forward,

From the den of iniquity that my mind and blackened heart had called home.

(Free of discord)

*

Ignoring the blinding lust that coursed through my body was painful.

(The reward - harmony)

*

But not as painful as the look in the eyes of the people I loved,

When I gave into that lust.

(The internal hatred)

*

Dismissing what had become my safety blanket of smut was shamefully difficult.

(If not for forgiveness)

*

But not as difficult as facing the fact I had seared the heart of the woman I loved.

(Hard to forget the cruelty)

*

Here we are though, time keeps rolling on,

We're still here, together, broken, but not beaten.

(Driven by renewed kindness)

Working, clearing the wreckage, and salvaging what we can,

Because we want to, we need to

(Free of the selfishness)

*

She is by my side, as before

Hard as it can be at times

My best friend

(Love of life, Wife)

Remains my rock to which I cling

Pushes me to do better, be better

To stay clean and not give in

Not just for her, but for myself

When I feel hopeless

In her eyes I see hope

*

Thanks for reading!

Author's Notes: This is for Hannah's challenge, details below. Some fun little technical bits is that this was created using two different scraps of pieces that I extended. Also, the parenthesised lines follow a pattern, as ending with an opposite to the word ending the previous parenthesised line - aside from the one in the last stanza, which stands alone.

This is not a story I've never told before...but the most important one I could tell about trying to change, hope from being a porn and sex chat room addict to working hard to stay clean, after so many times failing at it...with the addition of therapy (through a self-guided program for now) and the story of my wife and I and how we are still together, despite the wreckage my issues caused.

I was going to write a more detailed jounral-style thing. But...it's a long, complicated story that would never fit within the 1,500 words. A poem also felt like a more freeing way I could be open. It may not have the Disney ending...but let's face Disney endings are a lie.