If there was a cure

If there was a cure for what I have, it would be an absolute yes.

I would reach out and find ways to bring you into being. To hold and nurture you all through the years as best that I could. To be there for every moment that you needed me. To watch you grow and be who you want to be.

Sadly, this is all a wishful vision that won’t come true. A dream that will never be brought into reality.

They say you can’t pick your family, only your friends. You also can’t pick your genetics, but you can choose your own life’s path. Yes, my roots run deep, and are as fertile as the ground I walk on. But like the ground, diseases can take root and can cause suffering. I am a witness, because I saw how a monster I was.

A victim of these horrible ailments.

Forever, I am trapped within my flesh and blood, forever, to walk a life of torment. Only to be relieved by medication that temporarily numbs the pain. Day by day, night by night, I saw my family being afflicted and scarred by this creature.

This thing inside, who wasn’t a creature at all. It was me, just a little girl imprisoned in the body of an animal. I wanted to end the anguish of both my families. I knew it was wrong, but I believed it was the only way out.

Many times, I tried. None in which I succeeded but came very close to death's cold clutches. Time passed, I learned that life is a gift, and should be cherished.

The path of life is paved differently for everyone, some people have it easy. Others strive to survive, just to get past the harsh and sharp hurdles in their journey called life.

Life, for me, is painful. I suffered, I still suffer to this day.

To bring a child of my own into this world, would be more painful than any medical procedure alone.

To watch her struggle. To witness her endure these horrid illnesses. That itself would tear my soul apart.

It hurts to walk down the baby aisle at the grocery department. To stroll the children section at any toy store. To watch other women embracing their children at parks or libraries.

Knowing that I can have kids of my own, but at what price? Knowing that the soul of my child will be forever affected by my family’s diseases.

Never truly to enjoy the happiness of childhood. Never to be accepted by the people around her.

Forever to be on medications that will temporarily numb the pain, but never to vanquish it. Forever to wonder why she was born.

To bring an innocent life into this world, for me, would be the worst sin I could do. Life can be cruel and hard; I know this because I have lived that life. I must survive, I must go on. For maybe one day, there will be a cure.