I will not give up

I'm aware that I am rare but I'm not the only one.

Yes, I am untouched like the glistening diamond that grows hidden in the mountains that no person dares go near.

I am not picky, and yes my heart has enough for everyone, but only one soul holds the key.

The life I live is not for the faint. Pain and suffering is a constant battle.

This bleeding from my body will not stop. Two times, three times, a good portion of a month, it will not cease.

Horror and shock of these everyday pains. Yes, it hurts, it's unbearable, the puddles of crimson cover my body and my soul.

Yes, I’m riddled with constant agony but I am still untameable as the feral lioness who needs no such things as cages or masters.

As much as I scream, as much as I cry, both on the inside and out, it does not matter.

Some days I just wanna die, but I know I mustn't take the blade to my own flesh. I have too much to live for, yes.

I know I’m unstoppable, in body and spirit. Like the wild fire that burns brightly throughout the moonlit sky.

I’ve been told that I’m sterile, I have no more eggs. I didn't want children, but hey. What innocent soul would want to be born with these horrid genetic ailments?

I know in life you cannot choose your family, but also you don't have a choice in your family's diseases. I for one know that for a fact.

Keeping positive is all I can do at this current moment of my life.

This lifetime I have to try, for my family, for my friends, they are my heart. If I gave up, it would break them into shattered pieces.

Yes, I am demisexual, and yes, I am bi. Love is love, but there are those who disagree. The looks I get from doctors and nurses, even some members of my family.

In a lot of ways I have to hide who I am. It's hard enough to be hurting on the inside, physically, but it hurts even more on the soul to keep one's true heart from physicians who are handling your case.

Yes, I go both ways, but like I’ve said before, only one holds the key.

Everyday is a constant battle. One that I hope will be over soon.

These side effects of med's from confusion and lucid dreaming. The nocturnal hallucinations, fatigue, it's not just all the bleeding. I have to pinch myself every hour after I come back from dreamland.

Life is more of a nightmare now.

When I open my eyes, the pain is so ungodly.

I don't wake up to a rooster, or an alarm clock. It is my own agonizing and blood curdling screaming.

Insomnia rules my life for a portion of the sandman's hours. Barely can sleep, barely can walk, no arts or crafts, no energy to talk. I don't want to end myself. I'm stronger than I know. I will try to be who I want to be, it's hard, but it's worth the fight.

I can't say I’ll never change, but for now I must hide my heart.

Even in this era of time, there are real monsters out there. Creatures in high places that will hurt you in more ways than one. Making your very life, your body, mind and soul a living nightmare, all because your heart loves differently.

This I know.

Yes, I'm aware that I am rare, but I am not the only one.

I must keep pushing and going, no matter how hard the journey is. I gotta get up from that low, and take a stand in some places.

In other ways, I think all that I am hoping for is a small shower of relief, my own rainbow. To disappear my woes, my pain, the worries and grief.

Doing all that I can to become who I want to be. I must try my hardest to be that unique, untouched, untameable and unstoppable individual.

No matter who forces their ways into my path, or tries to condemn me to Hell.

I know where my heart is. I know who my higher powers are. They tell me all the time that I can achieve anything, and I can survive this.

There will always be monsters who are afraid of the light of love. Creatures who look like you and me but cannot touch the heart. Beasts who want to stop, hurt, and yes, who want to silence the uniqueness and beauty of love for those who do not fit into society in their eyes.

I do all that I can to survive. It's not easy hiding, and in some cases, it's worse coming out.

I try to be that everlasting flame. I try to be that sparkling diamond. I try to be that wild and free lioness, but most of all, I try my hardest to believe in myself.

For me, in this current situation, I must hide my heart, and who I am.

I am grateful for the specialists who understand my choices, but for the ones who detest me, I still must keep to the shadows.

I keep strong because I am much more than my pain.

I know it's temporary, but it is still difficult to continue staying sane in such a mad, mad world.

I'm grateful for a lot of things. The people who have graced me with their love over the years on my journey and the gifts given from the above.

Life is hard, I know, but I will not accept defeat or death, because I matter, because I belong.

It is hard to believe in yourself when others cannot and will not.

For the few who love and are kind, those are the souls who I will forever cherish.

I will become all who I want to be in time. For the now, I remain in this cocoon of chaos and pain, both in body and in soul. In this darkness, in this state of agony I must stay. Hiding, hoping and holding my caged heart, but I will not give up.