I Will Not be Silent

I haven’t been able to write for a while.

My head and heart are wrapped in emotion

It is difficult to put words on paper.

But here I am trying to get it out because I feel if I don’t,

I may never want to write again.

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I feel trapped.

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I am a conflict of emotion.

As Spock said in the movie Star Trek 2009,

I am emotionally compromised. And I am.

I am angry and sad, disappointed, and feeling betrayed.

People I thought were trustworthy have shown their true colors

And I have been urged not to respond.

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It is hard.

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I want to yell at them.

I want to get into their faces and scream at the top of my lungs.

But I can’t.

Because that would be unprofessional

That would lower me to their level.

And I don’t want to be that type of person.

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So I seethe.

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As they gather around me,

I hide behind this shell,

This fortress of a façade that I have built strong over years.

People think they know me.

They think that I am the funny, Mom-type

Working quietly in the corner and toeing the line.

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I am an alligator.

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I only expose ten percent of myself.

My eyes see all, and my ears hear all.

You may think you know the truth, but you know nothing.

They know nothing. Outside I am calm.

Outside I smile and make my enemies feel safe.

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I am a lion.

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Hear me roar.

My voice is low and steady.

My words carefully curated.

I wait for the perfect moment:

Lie still in the grass, don’t make a sound, don’t move.

I wait patiently for the time to pounce.

And when I pounce, they will realize what has happened.

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Still, I wait.

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These aren’t my friends.

I owe them nothing and nothing is what they will get.

Be silent I am told. Be professional.

Don’t do anything to draw attention to yourself.

Fine. I can withstand whatever they want to send my way.

I can take it. I can be silent.

.

But I am angry.

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I am sad.

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I am disappointed.

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I feel betrayed.

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But I am NOT scared.

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I am NOT weak.

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And when the time comes,

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I will NOT be silent.