I Used To Try So Hard by Lolly Vieira

I’m trying not to think in terms of

“when will you break my heart?”

but it’s hard not to…

do I really even know you?

I feel like I have forever,

but reality screams, “Stranger Danger!”

am I just being naïve again?

I’ve always met conditional people

you’re only good enough for them

if you do x, y, and z

do this

don’t do this

only then do they care about your safety and well being

otherwise they yank their affection away

I am weary of every human’s hidden agenda

because it’s just that- hidden

not public, they won’t ever tell

they keep in tucked in their pockets for a rainy day

so deeply that they forget about it themselves

the ones that remain subconscious

despite fervent attempts at self-analysis

I wonder what mine are

my deeply engrained victimized state cries out to everyone,

“How will you hurt me?”

because I can’t help but use past experiences

as a jumping off point

life has predominately displayed one simple lesson to me

that everyone you love

will use you until you’re no longer enough

even for yourself

much less anyone else

how many pieces of my sanity can be stolen

before my hollow cranium caves in

from lack of peace of mind

how many sets of eyes

overflowing with complete conviction

promising love, safety, and protection

forever

will soon find themselves engulfed in flames of rage

accompanied by flying fists

and cheeks of spit

and vicious kicks

to bleed me dry from the womb of my soul

forgive my cynicism

but it’s all I’ve ever learned

or at least

all I can remember anymore