I think about you every day

I forget what you look like. Kind of. You know what I mean. I won't look back to old photos of happier times. I can't. The artist in my mind cannot mix the colors to complete the outlined image of you. Is your skin still sun-kissed or are you working too much to spend days dancing in the sunshine? Does your hair still go down to your butt or have you cut it since? I haven't gotten over how indifferent the world is that you and I are not together. Distance and time don't fight fairly. I'm not an out of sight out of mind type person. You consume my mind on a daily basis. Quite frankly, you haunt my existence. It's true what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. But darling, I am fonded out. I famishly break into soup kitchens slurping the leftover mush of your entire being. I live off our memories like koi fish live off wishful pennies that won't be answered in passerby coin ponds. I create visions of us that never occurred and explore them ad nauseam.

What keeps you up at night? Or does your dreamless sleep mean you sleep contently now? One of us deserves to. Might as well be you. Do you reach for me next to you like I do? Do you feel the glass of your heart shatter when you clutch empty sheets? I know you'd never admit it. Does the big yellow moon bring you back to when we'd sit under it? There was a time I wanted to scream your name off of a mountaintop, but now I settle for whispering it into my pillow. I'll never forgive myself for how things turned out. I had you, at one point in time, or almost did. I don't know where we were headed, but it was somewhere beautiful, somewhere where the world deafened the extraneous chatter in order to megaphone your voice to me. Somewhere where the world shined a little brighter on us. A healthy bud that never got to blossom.

I envy anybody who gets to see you. You are a sight for sore eyes and my eyes have been ailing. The straining red makes the blue of my irises pop. I think you'd dig that. I miss the feeling of complete contentment, correct or not. The rocket ship bursting out of my heart every time I saw you. It never faded away. Your novelty had a way of never wearing off. I miss feeling like a little kid, the unchoreographed scattering of butterflies from just knowing we had plans that day. I know what love is because of you, not for what you've done, but for what it's done to me. It is total irrationality. The feeling that you were all I needed in this world. Impossible to assign to any specific traits. Deeper and more primitive than a gut feeling. A gut knowing perhaps. I have daydreams that spill into nightdreams of being with you forever, holding you in high regard as my other half, processing the idea that you make me feel alive.

I wish you could see the ways in which I'm improving and help me in the ways I'm not. I know you would with endless grace and a smile on your face. I wish I could celebrate your small wins in life like they were moon landings. I'm beyond blessed to know you and I'm better for having met you. I'm in love with you, okay? I want you to have whatever you want even if it destroys me. I can't dispose of this feeling because it isn't just a feeling. It pumps my veins like battery fluid. I want to hold on to you and never let go. I know that one day this will all mean something. But for now, I'll do my best to ignore the fact that when I was with you, the world faded away shortly before beaming back into life with more intense and vivid colors.

Undeniably yours,

D