I Send My Regrets

Dear-

I don't know what to call you.

I never learned your name.

Does it begin with the same letter as mine?

Let's pretend it does. I'll call you M.

Dear M,

Do you remember me?

We only spent one day together,

One beautiful, perfect day.

I've written about that day,

And our mutual friend-

She brought you, three of you, before you shipped out.

I didn't write about you before.

I elided you out.

I couldn't bear to think about you.

Not for the reason you think,

It just hurt too much.

I broke a promise to you.

I didn't mean to, but it lays there broken in front of me all the same.

All you wanted was food and merriment.

We gave you both, in full measure:

Games, and meeting new people, and laughter, and food.

You and your two mates ate the last of the brisket!

The host was so upset (it's okay, we're no longer friends, she morphed into someone I don't even know, someone more concerned about social standing and appearances than real worth, who needs that in their lives?)

You were a perfect specimen of health and beauty.

I've met many people in my life,

And you were one of the few where I took one look and thought "That's Adonis!"

And, immediately, I knew.

I don't kid about the detached retina in the second sight.

Some call it a gift,

But they don't have to live with it.

The horrible, awful knowing.

You can't change it, you can't alter it, you can only pick up pieces.

And we kept meeting all day.

I'd turn around, there you were.

I'd return to my chair, you'd appear.

We talked all day,

About everything, about nothing.

Did you know, too?

You were going off to war-

Not yours, Uncle Sam's,

And you were fit and fresh-faced and as prepared as you could be.

But sometimes that's not enough in the trenches,

And enemies don't play fair.

Do you remember that last meeting?

We were the only two left outside, by accident I thought.

I was collecting my craft stuff,

Everyone else was already eating ice cream inside.

You were in the shadows.

We could smell fireworks on the wind.

I had to warn you. I never know if I should, or not, when I know what will come.

But I told you, though it took everything out of me:

"Please come back to us whole. But if you can't, come back to us in pieces, we'll put you back together."

And you were gone. Off to report the next morning.

I asked our mutual friend, years later.

She said you came back broken, and didn't want to talk to anyone you knew.

It hurt too much for you to reach out.

You wanted us to remember you whole, and alive, not the broken shell you'd become.

Roadside IED.

Did you blame me for it? That happens sometimes.

My broken promise lays before me,

With the bits and pieces of many others in my life.

Many people have died before I could get my act together to fulfill promises to them.

Especially in a post-pandemic world,

I don't know who's alive or dead sometimes.

I lost one of my best friends in October. I was aside of her when she died, though I moved away to make room for her sisters.

I lost another one last week.

Are you still alive?

I'm making plans to visit our mutual friend,

We've reconnected too. Pandemics change your perspective,

Re-focus your priorities.

So of course the sharp, bleeding edges of that broken promise

Glint in the sunlight this morning.

Are you out there?

If you need me, I'm still here.

Life has a way of breaking all of us, given enough time.

We are older now, and much more broken than we used to be.

But I don't know where you are,

I don't even know your name.

Until then, I must

send

my

regrets.

If I don't, I trip over them, and cut myself open, and bleed all over again.

All my love,

All my hope,

-Meredith