I Saw You Tonight

I saw you tonight

in a crowded place, as the now old song goes

though I pretended I didn’t see

but of course you knew

or maybe you’ve forgotten how to read me like an open book as you once could

walking to my car I counted the years

since you left without a goodbye

has it been 12?

a dozen years since I lost the closest friend I’ve ever known

who knew me more than I’ve ever been known

you were my first and I was yours, but you were sitting next to your last holding a baby I hadn’t heard news of

so I looked away after I saw you watching me

for the first time in a dozen years

I think I saw you lift your hand in my peripheral

I didn’t look back because I couldn’t bear to wave back

you and I don’t wave

we embrace, we kiss, I inhale your breath as you hold me inside

to wave after what we were might break me or make me heave

who would you have made me if you’d stayed? who would I have made you?

two tangled vines take different turns than one alone

if there are infinite realities, in how many millions are you now sleeping with your dark-haired head in my lap?

surely this reality, us apart, is the abnormal one

together alone we were perfect

do you remember so far back?

the first three years were peaceful and happy

holding hands every moment

not a single harsh word

is my memory of you true?

there was no struggle until the interlopers intervened

you were sitting next to one of them tonight

wearing a ring he got you

we held on a few more years

a dozen years since our last kiss, though I can still smell you, still taste you, still hear your laugh, still see every memorized inch of you, and still feel your warm belly against mine

somewhere in the back of my imagination, we remain together as we are in all but this strange reality

tomorrow I will return to the life I made since you left without a goodbye

you will drift again to the back of my imagination

I just wanted you to know, I saw you tonight

and I wish for you everything that’s good in life.