I'm Not Going to Beg You

Today is a cross between relieved and hard to breathe

There’s nothing I can do

Something inside me tells me to tighten the noose

The words, the pain, the darkness lingering all around me, suffocating me

~

This pain…

It’s like I’m lost out in the vast wilderness

Like darkness is on the cusp of being welcomed by the dawn

The dew is thick on everything

I pull the sweater a little closer to my body

I shudder through the breath that escapes me

I look up, expecting to see darkness,

But there’s a brush of light scraping at the surface

I’m so alone

Out in the wilderness and solitude

~

There’s something telling me over and over

That I’m destined to fail

That I’m destined to lose.

I take another shuddering breathe

And I remember what it felt like to believe your lies

The dew could be camouflaged on my cheeks

As the tears gently run water down my face

~

Everything feels hopeless

And yet

Maybe not…

Maybe the Sun will break across my face and chase away all this darkness.

Maybe I’ll be given one more chance

One more opportunity

~

I take a deep breath

And release the imaginary noose lingering around my neck

I take a breath

And release the tension lingering in my shoulders

As I unclench my fists

I’m destined to fail…

Well, that doesn’t mean I can’t try to win.

That doesn’t mean that I won’t win.

~

Sometimes the woods are nice.

Sometimes the reminder that I can be alone and find my own sense of peace is okay.

I’m not going to beg for the attention,

I’m not going to beg to be loved.

I’M…NOT…GOING…TO…BEG…YOU

I thought you were everything that I ever needed

But I was so wrong.

I’m going to prove you wrong.

~

I don’t know who I’m madder at

You for pretending to love me

You for pretending to be someone who mattered

Or me for caring too much

Me for loving you too damn much!

But that’s okay

I cut those strings

I cut out the manipulation

I cut away the part of me that loved you

~

I take a deep breath again.

This pain is drowning me

Every single day that I wake up

Like I’ll never be able to breathe again

Like I’ll never know what it’s like to be without you.

~

I feel like the repetitive rambling idiot

I feel like a fool for every believing that what I had was worth having

I feel numb

I feel the pain

I feel everything

Every little crack that’s surfaced in the mold that is me.

I won’t let you hurt me

I won’t let this pain swallow me

~

The Sun peaks out on the horizon

Spilling over my face

I breathe out

I see my breath lingering in the air

The chill that’s wrapped itself around my bones

And for a moment, I invite the warmth and touch of the Sun.

Today’s going to be a new day

Maybe even a new me