I Kiss Him Goodbye

I kiss him goodbye

Still groggy, gummed-up and hauling my head out of sleep

I shuffle up and rustle up

A smile for the day

Sing making breakfast

Clear it all away

Sit the kids round the table with crayons

Lets make rainbows

To show

That everything is gonna be OK

Rainbows to guide him home

Rainbows to send him on his way

We do yoga and paint and bake and water plants and read and watch movies all day

I can't kiss him straight away

When he comes home

Don't hug Daddy yet guys, leave him

Alone

There's a ritual he has to perform

Clothes, hands, mouth, face

To keep us all safe

Outside

Everyone applauds

They stand at their doors

Tonight he's late back

Still walking the wards

Or adding up figures, tracing the spread

How many have it?

And how

many

dead?

I remember a story my grandmother said – about when she had to kiss my grandpa goodbye

And knew it might be

For the last time

And I don't believe my story is in any way the same

But sometimes

I still cry

To myself in the half-dark silence

When I kiss him goodbye.