I hurt...

I hurt but that's nothing new;

Will this ever end?

I see a glimmer of hope and light and happiness and then just like that it's gone;

Like a firefly I can't seem to catch, it eludes my grasp.

I'm tired, so extraordinarily tired.

I'm tired of waking up everyday.

I'm tired of pretending to be okay when I'm so clearly not.

I feel like such a fraud somedays.

I'm tired of pretending that mine and my mother's relationship is anything but sub par at best.

She only pretends to be my mother at my grandmother's every two weeks and the rest?

I only want to self-isolate at this point.

I know I have people that care but even that seems a moot point now.

It also seems like a chore.

Too many responsibilities, too many expectations to live up to...

Just one more person I have to live for, how exhausting.

Maybe if they didn't care so much I could just rest for awhile...

I'm tired.

I'm tired of having to be my own mother.

I'm tired of having to be my own lover.

I'm tired of having to take care of me because no one else will or can.

When will someone care enough about me to help me fill my cup?

Does that ever happen in this life?

Someone that truly cares and can be my lover and my friend?

Or do I not get that?

I'm angry as well.

Did I neglect to mention that?

I'm angry as fuck!

And this feeling won't go away no matter how hard I try.

I just want to punch something.

I'm angry at those people, all those people that said that they loved me.

They said that they cared and then they just abandoned me or worse have stabbed me in the back like saying those words were just some simple game.

It wasn't a game to me!

It wasn't a fucking game!

And when they left, sometimes more than once it's cut a hole so deep in my heart that I can't patch it.

Can't fill it, no matter how hard I try.

Damn them, damn them all!

I'm trying to learn how to love me but somedays I can't stand me.

Somedays I love me and I love getting to spend all this time with myself.

But other days I walk past the mirror and I'm so disgusted and angry that I'm alone and no one wanted me enough to stay.

I just want someone to hold, someone to share this life with;

because it's hard and I don't know if I can keep my own head above water.

I'm drowning and I don't care.

Don't you see? I'll let myself drown because somedays I don't give a fuck if I do drown?

Somedays I think death would be too sweet for even me.

Until death comes, I shall continue on my warrior path (as if I have a choice) until He says "Well done."