How to love?

it was the light, after a long night..

but that was something she could not see..

she was blessed with a baby girl to change her life,

yet she still refuses to accept the gift of me.

for my daddy, i will always be his entire world..

from the moment he was able to see my face.

over three decades later, still daddy's little girl..

yet it is for my mother's love i cannot stop the chase.

she was young, but apparently old enough

to make the choices she made that got me here..

i wasn't even the first, and i know that was tough

but still not wanting me anyway, was very hard to hear.

my daddy lost her to another

and a beautiful new baby came..

a toddler seeing the love of a mother,

but the love for her would never be the same.

watching the bond between mom and sister

was the coolest thing to little me..

loving and doting, the perfect picture

as beautiful a sight as i could see..

mirroring my daddy's affections

giving as much of me as i could

striving so hard for perfection

trying to please her more than i should.

another sister comes and still no room for me.

the anxiety her rejections caused her first born

from the lack of love, the early onset inner misery

but to keep trying or to give up; a child's mind torn.

more years, more kids, more tears of a daughter.

less time, less space, less feelings of strength.

long, sad stretches of time away from her own father..

forced outer joy, while being kept at arms length.

discomfort and conditions a child doesn't deserve..

so much trauma and tears, more fear over more years

all because of a man her mother had chosen over her..

the innocence stolen, like every mother's worst fears.

she hated everything, but she couldn't say anything..

she learned to shut up and play the good little girl.

dangerous situations assisted with making an opening

to finally share what had rocked her young world.

improper responses to her troubles

taking the side of the devil in her home..

a young girl feeling stuck in a new bubble

of no love, no hope, no chance at not being alone.

she couldn't breathe for most of her life

all she ever wanted was for her to see

the things she did to be wonderful, out of spite

those things that made me into me..

i was taken far away from my daddy in tears

he truly never failed to show me that i matter..

i was kept away for my formative years

all of that time, when my world constantly shattered.

growing fear of attachment

almost like it began before birth

literally the queen of detachment

running from everyone of worth

isolated from my feelings

for fear of getting too deep

romanticizing only impossible things

living in a constant daydream

my only possession taken on an october night

the thoughts of others being bigger than me

i looked to them and could not fight

as an old crush laid claim on who i used to be.

innocent i was no more

trying to cope through a living lie

pretending it was all so pure

while secretly wanting to die..

a mother would hear this story later

and blame the daughter she didn't know..

she'd treat her as if she were a stranger

and make her feel like death is the way to go.

but that girl would prevail

against all of her best wishes..

she'd continue walking this trail

of sad almost hits and sure misses.

intimacy to her was something small

something that had zero connection.

she preferred no communication at all

those bonds seemed like perfection.

family and friends may never see why

she chooses to live the way she does..

avoiding relationships all through life

never thinking about that thing called love.

she knows what it's supposed to be

to feel the love of another.

she has seen it in her father, clearly..

she has given to her sisters and brothers.

these platonic situations are all she needs

though her loved ones may find it sad

but they'll never need more from me..

there is nothing more beautiful to have.

i've imagined being a family before

and it is cute, i guess..

i have qualities people seem to adore..

but to love back, i'm not the best.

how can the lack of a mom ruin love for you?

romantic love, specifically..

because i'm able to love my family, too..

but i cannot see LOVE love for me.

like i have a father, and his example is great..

i know what to accept and not in a man..

i have tried many times to date..

but i freak out when i get as close as i can.

it could be so simple to just love like a brother..

and the whole sex like a lover, treat'em like a friend.

but how, when you were loathed by your mother..

like, how does that turn out in the end?

how do you let go of that hope

of the person you needed to love you?

like seriously, releasing and letting it flow..

or is it all above you?

if i use what it is that i've got

that should be more than i need, right?

if i shatter that lost cause with a single thought

would that make me feel like for love, i'll fight?

because she was the light in that night

the one her mother tried to put out.

but she keeps shining brighter..

and the fire in her eyes lives without doubt.