How Long?

I would listen to this first before reading the rest of this. I listened to this on repeat on the way back from camping with him. It just spoke to me.

Dear Kevin,

I'm bursting at the seams with the love that doesn't make sense to me.

Like a depth that has no bottom but I am floating somewhere in between.

I haven't hit the bottom but seemingly I jumped right in,

And now your presence it haunts me.

I feel like I care about you more than you tend to care for yourself,

Is it just the Irish-Catholic guilt or is it something else?

I see all the potential of what you could be and what you should be,

That I forgot in the process of what its meant to authentically be me.

It's become an all consuming habit of mending you and trying to fix,

Something that seems broken but no matter the adhesive,

It never fully fits back together.

I would be there for you in a heart beat.

I would drop everything and meet you where you are,

But honestly would you do the same for me?

What changed?

I don't feel the same breath of air in the room we are in.

You stay silent and hide in the shell of your protection,

While I piece together the non-verbal cues and expressions.

I sit on your couch and you paint,

And I tell you the world while you sit silent.

WHY IS IT ALWAYS FUCKING SILENCE.

I don't understand why you can't say the truth.

I feel deeply that I am in love but I have to hold back every ounce

Of emotion and thought even though I can tell you an entire chapter book

In mere seconds.

I see the nerdy qualities in your eyes light up a room,

And your soul comes alive when I see you in the fortress you created to heal

The soul thats been burnt and bruised.

I see the little moments when you find me a straw at breakfast,

Or place rubber bands around my tarot cards,

While I simultaneously I ask for clarity on our connection

through them because I am honestly lost.

There's no map and my coms are blocked,

The only one who can free me from this you.

It's hazy here and I just want you to grab my hand and pull me through.

There's an unspoken tension and it makes you nervous

Because why?

Because I see past what you want to show me.

Nothing in the world exists when I'm with you, it's all blurred.

I remember meeting you for the first time online playing Hell Divers,

Your voice came on the mic calming as could be.

Never having met a stranger online I thought about this being impossible.

But the more we talked and the more we bonded,

I realized there was so much more here,

Texts turned into calls and late night chats of what could be.

But the more times I tried to fly to you something in my world stopped.

It's not the right time.

My guides would say,

I kept resenting more and more of the world that I knew needed you in it.

I don't know what or why but you pulled me here.

And I sacrificed everything so I could finally have this life together.

To even finally give you a daughter.

But to be met with this silence and just wanting to be friends,

Is the part that's fraying me at the ends.

Now I'm using nature in the Pacific Northwest that the universe

Granted to mend me and my tired soul.

Because that's the truth I'm tired.

I'm exhausted.

I'm not at peace.

I don't want to loose you in this life,

But my soul is calling me further and further away in this season.

I know I need to let you go,

But there's that tiniest piece of me that still clings to the possibility.

What if

What if I stay?

What if I go?

What if I go and you hate me for who I become?

What if I fall for someone else?

What if I go and you become even more alone?

What if I go and you think I'm just like everyone else who has hurt you?

But truthfully I just don't know.

Because the only person who can heal you is you.

The only person who can help mold you is you.

Yes we were brought together in this season,

But I'm growing in a different direction right now,

And it's absolutely terrifying.

Because I love you.

I love you for you.

But I don't love the doubt I feel about myself,

I don't love the second guessing and worrying about offending.

I don't love the moments where you shut down,

And avoid conversing out of fear of fighting.

I don't love the fact that you almost seem to dismiss my feelings,

When deep down they are exploding out of my chest and the

Palms of my hands and the nervousness

My heart races at the sound of your name.

My ears ringing with our conversations when we do leave.

The lingering hug I feel when you hold back,

Knowing you want to hold me longer but don't.

The awkward good-byes knowing they shouldn't be words

But your lips pressed against mine.

Your hands running through my hair,

Tangled up in sleeping bag under the stars of the night.

Nothing but two beating hearts embracing each other.

That's what my heart wants.

It craves it.

It needs it.

And I try to not push the issue because I am afraid you'll walk out,

Of my life and I am tired of loosing people,

Time and things all because my heart loves too much.

See you said it best,

It's because you care too much.

That's me the girl with the huge heart who means well,

But I put a blanket on everyone who has been through hell.

I want to fix a world where there was so much pain and hurt,

That I forgot to put myself first.

So here you are with your issues too,

And I'm slowly asking myself what am I doing right now?

It's not my job to fix you.

It's my job to love on me.

It's just painful because I feel like I can't talk right now,

It's like leaving voicemails knowing my calls will never get returned.

It's knowing I'll get blocked.

It's knowing you'll shut down more.

And I have to decide going forward if I can live with this,

Like this.

Because the reality is my heart is BIG.

So big that I realized not all love is meant to be romantic.

Sometimes soulmates are platonic,

Because that's I think we are is 2 souls who the universe knew we

Needed to find each other to find healing.

To help us see who we are meant to become in this world.

So I don't know for say where this is all going.

But I want you to know I love you.

We are like two little boats in the world being thrown around in the

Ocean unknowingly having found the same little island.

Trying to recoup and heal from all that life has dealt.

Both exhausted with the burden of previous loves who dealt cards.

Now we are alone picking up said pieces,

Sometimes in silence,

Sometimes together at your house while you paint models,

Sometimes its grabbing drinks,

Sometimes it's just talking about dreams.

Sometimes it's a home cooked meal.

Sometimes it's me asking for gas money because I'm short that week.

Sometimes it's ghosting me for a week or two.

Sometimes it's get togethers with other friends.

Sometimes it's me just popping by for a min because I need a familiar face.

Push the passcode and let myself in.

I noticed even your other friends don't have that and I have to let them in.

I have the special space in your heart.

I'm here for it.

If it happens great.

But if it doesn't just know I'm figuring out how to live peacefully with it.

The idea of what you look like in my life without that intention.

Because the idea of loosing you is worse than not having you at all.

I just love you and I know love isn't always romantic.

Love can be just someone in your space and I want you in mine.

I want you to go to Ireland with me just because I know you would

Appreciate the rolling green hills.

I want you to meet my kids- not because they "need a step dad",

Rather because having strong male role models is equally important.

I want you in my life because you embrace my weird qualities,

And you don't ask me to change.

Instead you verbalize space and that's healthy.

You slowly analyze what I'm saying before jumping to conclusions,

And more importantly you choose to include me on all of your adventures.

Or at least a good chunk of them anyway.

Either way,

I hope some day my soul will get that moment.

Other wise just know I'll still love you regardless.

Because we are human and are all deserving of love,

Regardless of what it looks like.

You're my person.

-Kayla

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