How I Function Dysfunctionally.

Sometimes I feel high but most times I feel like shit. One day I would smile so hard my cheeks would hurt and I would laugh over stupid shit that didn't make sense. I would talk to my friends and engage in conversation.Then the next day I would hate myself for showing that vulnerable side of myself to others, the me that is carefree and laughs is who I love to be but I end up punishing myself for things that should come natural. I slice my legs and arms and scream telling myself I'm disgusting and don't deserve happiness because of what I let happen to me.

Everyone tells me it's not your fault let it go. But their voices haunt my dreams and simple phrases make me go into a frenzy if some one so much as whispers to me that I smell so good I freeze up my heart starts pounding my body starts shaking uncontrollably as I repeat over and over that I want to die I want to die I cry hysterically and sob like a bitch because what used to be a small itch has become an infection with no ointment and no cure.

then it stops.

I clean myself up look in the mirror in disgust of what I just did what I let happen. The bottle that capped my emotions so well, shattered like the hope that I once had when I was ten. Like the cloud of so called innocence that sheltered me from the world before it was torn to shreds by them. I can't help what I've become and how I cope but please I'm begging you don't count me out don't leave me for dead because this isn't the last of me I will heal just give me time while I'm learning the life lessons that were lost along the way. Because I'm not lost in this world just finding a different way to get home.