Healing

You haven't seen me for a minute

The truth is I needed healing

Let's run it back to the beginning

2019 I was diagnosed with bi-polar 2

Now all of my drama had a name

I wasn't insane

Problem

The therapist and psychologist weren't listening

Gave me meds that gave me side effects

that made me feel crazy

Here's the thing no one mentions the truth no one with a mental health issue is crazy

The chemicals in our brains are a lil off balance

We can be kind of a challenge

They kept talking about the dosage being right for someone of my age, height, and weight instead of listening to me when I'd say I'm sensitive to medication

They'd gaslight me so I believe them

Okay they're the experts

My mind went on a holiday

During this time I was taking advantage of by so-called family

I'm still not comfortable to say out loud what he did

Everyone made excuses

Drugs are an addiction

He didn't mean it

It almost happened to someone else she was saved her father wasn't well came home early

Their home turned to hell

Everyone turned toward me

Why didn't you say what kind of monster he was knowing his truth

I shouted, screamed

He's family

He wouldn't do that to you

That's when I learned the sad truth

No one believed me

It had nothing to do with family

My fat equalled undesired

But the darkness rooted inside of him needed power and control

Nothing to do with me, my body, or soul

Or he'd remember the word others kept clinging to: family

As if it means something anymore

Funny how everyone wanted to cut this person out when it wasn't me

Happy she's free of PTSD, trauma, and doesn't have to wonder if family is family or a coating to step over boundaries and cross blood red lines

2020-2022 pandemic allowed me to cut everyone loose

It wasn't until now that I felt the need to reemerge

May came I was hella drained life without meds had a effect too

Who knew I'd get so wrapped up in my head, stressed out, afraid of life, years passed by

I got diagnosed with a mild case of agoraphobia.



Nah I'm just an introvert

people drain me whenever I leave the house

New therapist said fear of going out is the reason you've got this new title

I'm not a person who does well with change

I changed too much in the last few years

Quit my ghostwriting job

Bam pandemic

We'll write ourselves

We've got time

The money I had saved

Stolen by the thief that robbed more than my peace

I tried to get back to life

I couldn't do it

Getting up was too hard

Eating was once again

the only thing I could control, ballooned and yo-yo'd back up after losing 60 pounds

Why must I do this merry go around

June is gone

I'm still in the same place

I'm going though it

July I managed to shower and clean up

Somehow 2022 ended without me noticing

Now we're here in another summer and it's 2023

This time I haven't promise myself anything

I'm lover of plans

I make a lot

They often fall apart

Because some times I go dark

I think I'll try just healing

I want you to know if you're anything like me

I see you

Let's not worry about how many days we can last

Let's just raise up to the task

Healing in our own pace and time