Girl without her mother.

Every night the purple clouds would come out to dance with white clouds, I lay on the freshly cut grass and layed in a position of an Angel, I thought of my mum up in the sky floating by, dancing from side to side. Hoping through the clouds spreading the purple all around to make it look like an oil painting.

I often felt lonely and lived on a ranch with others that only called me she , her, you come here and it reminded me of the girl without a name.

I first came across something similar to this being targeted, frowned upon and next in line but I didn’t know what for. So I often enjoyed coming out viewing the sky at night, the stars the moon and the purple haze with my imaginary mother floating on the blaze of gas explosoon in the galaxy creat beautiful colours, all colours in the sky, I wish I could bottle some of them up and take them back to the farmhouse.

I thought I better hurry as Mr Stuart Disney would get real cross at me and put me half way down the well and Mr Disney he would take you in the barn and do things I thought only happened once you married, I guess that was me just fantasising again.

it would be the last time I ever visited my private spot viewing the sky at night.

There will never be a day I don’t miss my mother .

Never a day, where I don’t wish she could hear my voice and I could ask for her advice just one more time.

There will never be a moment that I don’t regret all the times that yoI screamed her call, or missed a visit, simply because life was just too busy.

And now you realise busy is fake, it isn’t real.

She was real and she is gone. Sometimes I lay in the barn after he’s gone and think did I ever imagine I ever had a mother

And I am alone and I felt in my stomach in danger.

And the feeling of abandonment and loneliness is huge. Mind-blowing, no matter how loved or surrounded by others you may be.

None of it is her.

When the woman who brought you into this world is no longer here, it is a lonely place.

And you are now she.

You are now the one expected to guide, to discipline, to love, to handle everything, for everyone. And that is a shock, especially when that is all stripped away from you as soon as you passed Tennesse Red Rock, not only did I have no mother anymore I never was given a name either on the farmhouse, mother and I lived on there since me being born, she was a strong woman, but she obeyed all the orders of the elders.

But I’ve got this.

Because she taught me well.

She made me right and she made me strong and she filled you with enough love to share around, even after she was gone.

So I go on regadless of the emptiness and the decompartmentalisation of my emotion, which were like the Purple sky that came out at night, floating, dashing, hazy, shooting yes shooting., across the white clouds. No one really cared in the farmhouse about each other it was “dog eat dog” and I knew I was next.

And I want to try to make her proud.

And remember, look out for the little girl who still lives inside you somewhere, she misses her Mama very much.This is very important keep it in your mind at all times it gets you through the painfully difficult times.

Just,

Be kind.