Fucking Badgers
For Mackenzie Davies' "I'd Read Your Grocery List" challenge
24th March
Pansies/Petunias, if in stock
Some little growing pots would rock,
Runner beans and tomato seed,
Pumpkins? Sunflowers?
Growing feed.
*
30th March
Pansies/Petunias if in they’re in,
Thin gardening gloves to save my skin,
Top soil for that little hole,
Twine, pref. green.
Bamboo pole.
*
4th April
Pansies/Petunias if they’ve got them,
If not, get tulips, pink, with long stem.
More top soil, another sack,
Those gardening gloves?
Take them back.
*
15th April
Another bag of soil or two,
If in doubt, three should do.
Lion dung, in pellet form.
Grass seed, tough, or
Fast grow lawn.
*
24th April
Something cheerful for the bottom border,
If nothing’s in I’ll have to order.
Top soil, get the cheapest price,
If on offer,
Six is nice.
*
8th May
Have a look at sonar devices,
Or maybe something that entices,
Find the biggest humane trap.
If not, then more
Lion crap.
*
12th May
One bag of concrete, ready to mix.
Bucket, cheap stirrer, both your picks.
Soil, for once we’ve done the deed,
Another box
Fast grass seed.
*
24th May
Paving slabs, maybe a dozen or two?
Outdoor pots - Mediterranean blue.
Flowers - think strong, bright and bold,
Geranium
Or marigold.
*
18th June
A dog bowl and some hanging baskets,
Brackets, liners. Fucking bastards.
Compost, just one bag we need,
If they have it,
Badger feed.
*
Authors note: This does not, I know, fully match the brief. Obviously this is not a list for the grocery store, but for a garden centre type establishment. But I would argue I have written plenty of lists for my partner that look like this - with little explanatory notes to help him get the right thing, or additions just because I like to communicate with him.
About the Creator
Keep reading
More stories from Hannah Moore and writers in Poets and other communities.
SIR DORAN
The fire cracks and spits, offering light and the illusion of solace, but Sir Doran feels no warmth. He sits on a fallen tree and watches the fire as he rests his hands on the pommel of his sword, its blade chipped and worn, more symbolic than functional. Much like Sir Doran himself.
By Aaron Morrison7 days ago in Fiction
Comments (15)
Haha. This is great. I could feel your frustration grow, until you finally have time give in to your fate.
Love it! Badgers have provided some of the most exciting moments in my hunting trips over the years.
Awesome job Hannah!
Ah, badgers. The lumbering brutes that wreck all your best laid borders. Blooming cute though. I do love the way they move about. This was great, so funny.
Omg this is brilliant, Hannah! The resignation at the end, "badger feed" made me laugh out loud, but then, I was laughing throughout reading this. Great entry! I read it twice and appreciated it differently both times, first for the humor and the rhymes & repetitions, then for the arc and technical greatness. Ohhh, judging this challenge will be tough ;)
This had me laughing quite a lot. I did one that included stuff that came from hardware stores etc. so I say it counts! Also, hilarious. The minute I saw the title I was already thinking where it might go haha. I loved the repeated bits and just how annoyed you get through each list...it's very clever, Hannah! Also...that last comment of your author's notes....just made me laugh even more haha!
Gosh I love the format of this poem! The first line rhymes with the second. The third line rhymes with the fifth. May I know the name of this format? Also, I feel that it fits the criteria for this challenge. And do they really have lion poop?
A complete and nuanced narrative in fragments. Artfully done: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gx6TBrfCW54
Love the garden, grocery is grocery, no matter for what.
Interesting. I didn't know about the application and applicability of lion manure for gardening. I wonder if it would have scared off my old cat (may he rest in peace) from stealing cucumbers.
No arguments over here- this is bloody outstanding! Being on t he 8th floor, I still see badgers as cute but I can't imagine thay're too endearing when you have a garden! 🤍
Fabulous. We get badgers. It took an ages to figure out what was going on. Kept getting all these divots in the front garden. They are cute but they don't care about a lawn. 😂 You should send this into Gardeners world. It's really good!!! (The title would be a scream if they went with it. That said.. I'd buy a copy instantly!!! 🤣)
This is freaking great. Love this
Love the title and love the poem. Fucking excellent!!
I think it fits the request. A shopping list of sorts, and you had a very good reason This was funny, but I’m sure it was a pain for you.