Fucking Badgers

24th March

Pansies/Petunias, if in stock

Some little growing pots would rock,

Runner beans and tomato seed,

Pumpkins? Sunflowers?

Growing feed.

*

30th March

Pansies/Petunias if in they’re in,

Thin gardening gloves to save my skin,

Top soil for that little hole,

Twine, pref. green.

Bamboo pole.

*

4th April

Pansies/Petunias if they’ve got them,

If not, get tulips, pink, with long stem.

More top soil, another sack,

Those gardening gloves?

Take them back.

*

15th April

Another bag of soil or two,

If in doubt, three should do.

Lion dung, in pellet form.

Grass seed, tough, or

Fast grow lawn.

*

24th April

Something cheerful for the bottom border,

If nothing’s in I’ll have to order.

Top soil, get the cheapest price,

If on offer,

Six is nice.

*

8th May

Have a look at sonar devices,

Or maybe something that entices,

Find the biggest humane trap.

If not, then more

Lion crap.

*

12th May

One bag of concrete, ready to mix.

Bucket, cheap stirrer, both your picks.

Soil, for once we’ve done the deed,

Another box

Fast grass seed.

*

24th May

Paving slabs, maybe a dozen or two?

Outdoor pots - Mediterranean blue.

Flowers - think strong, bright and bold,

Geranium

Or marigold.

*

18th June

A dog bowl and some hanging baskets,

Brackets, liners. Fucking bastards.

Compost, just one bag we need,

If they have it,

Badger feed.

*

Authors note: This does not, I know, fully match the brief. Obviously this is not a list for the grocery store, but for a garden centre type establishment. But I would argue I have written plenty of lists for my partner that look like this - with little explanatory notes to help him get the right thing, or additions just because I like to communicate with him.