Everyone is sleep but me

Biting the skin off my lips.

The puppy seems to be bragging about it. I can hear big large exhales.

I’ve been up for two hours now, worrying about issues that can’t be solved by worrying alone. Thinking about Amir Locke.

Among other things

Wondering how this happened in the same city as George Floyd

with the same unconstitutional warrant as Breonna Taylor; indeed,

frustrated again by the constant reminders of the rampant anti-Blackness in this country, police killings such as these being the most gut-wrenching

by far.

Not surprised that there has been no reform, but disappointed all the same. This is a system beyond reform, operating exactly as it was designed to; with oppression as its only real purpose.

An Instagram infographic tells me that activists were upset with legislators for the lack of police reform.

While necessary, activism seems somewhat empty in a system that will continue to kill.

Wondering how we are supposed to carry on.

Knowing that if I’m not mindful, I could get swept up in my own world. That, I could stand.

This, I can not.

I stopped standing for the pledge when I was about eight years old, as soon as I learned that I didn’t have to. The high school I graduated from recently started saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning again. When I first moved there, they didn’t. The nationalistic practice was not on my mind.

It is so weird to make kids do that.

Waking up after finally getting back to sleep, I am worrying about my own problems.

I am inclined to sit and write, get some of these thoughts out. It is a practice in letting go. I will do that, and continue to go to work so I can pay my bills.

Do you hear what I’m saying?

Emotions, they move you. It even contains the word, motion. I am moved to a bad place when I hear of the awful things in the world, struggles that I have experienced

Some that I will never experience

The human experience getting grosser and grosser.

I worry and I pain and I cry, and feel shame for worrying over my trivial issues. If I don’t keep myself afloat, how will I bear witness to the changes?

I would like to set my life up in a way that I do not have to worry about myself.

So I can dedicate my energy to more important endeavors.

Not that I have any amazing capability to solve the world’s problems. Not that I am have more innate ability to help that anyone else.

Just that it takes resources.

Does anyone have any advice?