Delbert Sieve

I found myself a brand-new friend

I named him Delbert Sieve.

He couldn’t speak a word to me

So I showed him how I lived.

Delbert was an alien

I’m not quite sure where from.

He drew it on an empty pack

Of Strawberry, bonbons.

I took him to the laundrette

And washed my underwear.

He found a bag of missing socks

And proudly wore a pair.

We next went to a hardware shop

So I could buy some glue.

He picked up some expanding foam

And sprayed it in my shoe.

Next we tried the library

To show him how we read.

The book return has now been locked

Cos into it he peed.

I took him for a lovely drive

Explaining the gear stick.

He licked my cherry car air scent

And promptly he was sick.

We drove down to a lovely stream

So he could splash about.

But Delbert tripped and nearly drowned

Before he kissed a trout.

I guessed with all that travelling

He’d need a bite to eat.

But I was not sure what he ate

Just vegetables or meat.

I took him to a takeaway

And showed him what they had.

He pointed at the picture of

A massive mixed kebab.

I ordered it with spicy chips

And he had onion rings.

We shared a tub of chilli sauce

And some fried halloumi things.

He thanked me for the great food

And asked where he could sleep.

Before I had a chance to speak

He crumpled in a heap.

He slept for hours and when he woke

He asked for toast and tea.

I said we had to learn some more

He scoffed and laughed at me.

I didn’t think I was equipped

To teach this special case.

So I proposed to drop him off

At the nearest air force base.

We made it to the entrance guard

Who looked at me aghast.

I said to Delbert, “We’ve found a place

To help you out at last.”

And from that point

My friendship with the alien was done.

But it was not quite all it seemed

I found out later on.

I’m sad to say that Delbert Seive

Was not what I believed.

Not quite a scary alien but

A drunken man from Leeds.