Decisive Words

If I had to use one word to describe my first love

well... I couldn't.

there is no way I could proclaim all the hurt

and all the happiness

and all the ways you changed me

in just one piece of an incredibly limited vocabulary.

I gave you 4 years of my life.

I gave you parts of me that no one else has seen

and I don't know what to say

I don't know how to explain how holding shards of a glass heart in my arms

made me feel loved

how the blood running down my arms that came from your body

somehow tricked me into thinking you wanted me

how a silly blue ring was supposed to tie your vacant pulse to my beating symphony

how you said you loved me

and you did

in your own way.

I was willing to jump into the blender of your problems

if you would just look at me

the way I looked at you

I just wanted to go to you in tears

and not end up being the one to hand out band-aids

band-aids that were never good enough.

I just wanted for you to face me when we were lying next to each-other.

how do I explain that it made sense to me

that I had to ask for you to treat me like I was special?

and that it was o.k.

if you said no.

I always understood

how even though you made yourself a victim

life had a habit of knocking you down.

Your beauty is only comparable to the sun

and I flew too close

and while I was lying there cooking in burns

I realized that no matter how much you loved me

you wouldn't let yourself be in love with me.

I can't find one word.

But, If I was able to use two words

I know the couple

that could almost capture the song our hearts sang together:

"No Regrets."