Confessions....

Although you have passed away and moved to the other side. Not a minute can go by with out you taking over my thoughts or mind.

Since your health declined so suddenly without warning made it hard for us to talk bout everything. Now just because you are no longer here does not mean all my feelings went down the drain.

Before I could consider doing this for all to read I had to do research first make sure had a starting base. Mainly to check on statute of limitations making sure I would not need to worry about catching a case.

Definitely did not want to write something personal then end up in a criminal court trial. Plus I have been assured I'm good since what happened was when I was still a juvenile.

So back in time we go to what in my opinion was a much simpler time. We had just moved up north and I was descending into a life of crime.

So after getting jumped in the first 24 hours after we moved in, then finding out the reason I got beat down was due to the color of my skin.

You accepted me joining a gang as part of reality as well a new fact of life. Since I was now in the minority as white, meaning I was left alone with no tribe.

No joke you had to get your back watched at all times without a doubt. If not would be cemetary bound or locked up with the key thrown out.

You of all people knew this yet still rolled with what came our way, good or bad. With this kind of lifestyle it is of no suprise to anyone that I soon would become a teenage dad.

Knowing how crazy plus dangerous it was for me out on the streets. Left no point to hide or lie bout being constantly strapped up with the heat.

Now by now you may be wondering what this secret could be that I decided to hide. Well it is something extremely serious, this problem ended after someone died.

Believe it or not I can still remember the date that everything went down. Partly from the fact that day my innocence ran away to never be found.

Also partly since it was on my birthday, November 1 of 1994. I turned 15 with a bang that I still feel to this day straight to my core.

On that day I was told to prove my manhood and show the gang my unquestioned loyalty. By disposing of a snitch who was also a close personal friend, do you remember Scooby?

Had always told you he got locked up when you would ask bout him. But the truth is he testified against someone getting them a life sentence in the pen.

You always knew the saying people said that 'snitches get stitches', in gang world mom, that saying ended with 'end up in ditches'.

So on my birthday was put on me to prove that those words were more than just bunch of sounds. Ensuring that the snitch was taking care of plus to guarantee never found.

On Halloween that year had a party to celebrate my birthday like we always did, so the whole gang was there when a plan was put in place to make sure things went off without a hitch.

No one had a clue what was coming unless high enough in the crew to call shots. I was chosen to prove myself as well as show I had a gigantic set of rocks.

It also showed I could be trusted through thick and thin, no matter what. Not to mention this is only time said a word bout any of this to anyone, just kept my mouth shut.

Stuck to the G code or code of the streets like I was raised to by my lovely Mother. Did not know that meant doing dirt involving the disappearance of a gang brother.

If you recall, behind Scooby's crib was a few miles of nothing but rocks, trees, and woods. There is no better place can think of to use to make someone ghost for good.

So our superior, Scooby, and me went off together to enjoy nature on a walk. While using gang politics as an excuse to get away alone to talk.

Luckily being in a gang made it to where no flags were raised when you leave with a strap. So none was the wiser while we put things in motion in order to set our trap.

So off hiking we went until we reached a spot picked out beforehand to use based off location. Was personally chose by our 5 star general so it will be done with debating or hesitation.

Orders will always be carried out with no qualms or issues while doing so. That is what this life called for plus was needed to be able to survive and grow.

Therefore when Bloxk said we are here now, this be the perfect spot to talk some spit. That was code for it is now time to handle business that I will never forget.

Scooby already knew what was up and to his credit took it like a real man. No denying he done it, no whining, as well as no trying to explain to get us to understand.

He admitted it then like a real gangster he knelt down on his right knee. Said 5 popping 6 dropping til the casket drop so hope my King will have mercy on me.

Followed up with I am ready so make it quick if you would please. So with the quickness of a cheetah I took out the strap and began to squeeze.

In a blink of an eye the job was finished up quick, fast, as well as with no complications. It was done with such precision that there was nothing said nor an investigation.

Since then my life has not been the same, forever changed by my actions on that fateful day. This that type of game that the soft or weak minded should not waste their time trying to play.

Do not know the last time I slept good throughout a whole evening. Having realistic nightmares that wake me up disoriented, sweating, and with extra heavy breathing.

Basically wake up to panic attacks anytime I attempt to relax, destress, or attempt to get rest. I believe alot has to do with guilty conscious from not taking time to get this off my chest.

After loads of self reflection and soul searching I figured out exactly what I needed to do. That conclusion came up with was this heart fiĺled confessional letter to you.

I will never forget you and every female I meet will know my heart is forever in your possession. I'm go for now Mom just had to let you know about my confession.