Kid in Timeout

I read the name and listing on the E-board;

My heart sank to my feet

I was so confused, exacerbated even;

Could we really have fucked up so bad?

My thoughts immediately went to him

He was thousands of miles away in Asia

But all I could focus on was what he was going through

Was he equally confused? Anxious? Sick?

Was he also terrified?

Of course he was, and likely so much more than me

A measly assistant, a mere blimp on a roadmap,

Someone who does good work for menial pay

And occasionally promotes laughter,

Usually at my own expense, of course

Never have I met a professional who's so meticulous and cares so much

The compassion and empathy is radiating,

I am lucky to bask in its warmth.

But at that moment I felt like a kid in timeout

Punished for doing something I didn't do

With no way to speak up and defend myself

Or the professional I feel so strongly indebted to

How could I?

Not with the Head of the Department

Questioning me and expressing how much she wanted me there

To tell her what we did,

When what we did was right and true and textbook

Internally I was screaming.

I didn't want to be there with her and the others,

The only one in the room who was there the first time

Who was a target for unspoken questions I didn't have any answers to

Of course we did model work, we always did

Everything looked great, there was no reason for a complication

And yet there was one, and there was no explanation

And I was the kid in timeout

Or at least that's what it felt like,

The big-wigs attempting to put the flames out

The ones that I never started,

But their exasperation and incredulousness tells me they don't believe me

Yet as I was sick to my stomach and sweating through my scrubs

All I could think about still was him

My leader, my guiding light,

The one who brings calm and wit and awkwardness to my work life

Who is a phenomenal cancer-annihilator and human being

Someone who I am beyond lucky to have met and work with

This couldn't be the end, it's not supposed to work like that

Yet I was so fearful and beside myself thinking about his fate

He did everything right but he's not here to defend himself

He's losing sleep and second-guessing himself

When he's done too much good to be reduced to that

And yet here I am, brought back into a mess I didn't create

A situation I would give anything to leave

And yet I understand why I'm here,

Suffering,

Questioning,

Absolutely fucking miserable.

Because until we got in there and saw that no damage was done

There was no obvious cause for the symptoms

I was shitting myself in the presence of harrowing eyes

Feeling responsible for something that I could never have done

And neither could he, that just wasn't possible

My compassion and empathy extended beyond my limits

Tentacles in so many directions

But I still felt guilty and sick over something wild,

Something I had no control over

I've always been the most loyal one

The one to give my time to the cause and patients

Overtime and otherwise, always going above and beyond

And I felt that all at once, even in this time of despair

I had no choice but to accept and embrace it

No matter how anxious and despondent it made me

Like the Golden Retriever I am