Cloudy

my mind is fuzzy, it is dizzy and warm

i think back to my memories

like a disc skipping, there are some scratches that i cannot get out

i am truly aching to get out my true potential

what is that? what does that even fucking mean?

Why can't it just be existing and then you die

but you have to reach something

like life is a game

but like Holden said in the

Catcher in the Rye

life is not really game

not really

once you're off the field

and there are no more players

i can't fool anyone

i was never meant to be that way

i lost more people being myself because

i do not play

i do not play social rules

my mind is fuzzy

its always cloudy

its always gray

but i like gray, cloudy days

i like rain so heavy no one

wants to go out

but it is too fuzzy in my brain

and my heart feels too much, like a raw sore healing and then

bursting apart over and over

again

and bloodless, I cannot die

I just ache and breathe,

but I feel like

my bones and my movements

are not mine

and i want to live in my fizzy brain

with the scattered little droplets of

sweet, happy things

But there is something lurking there

like a dark, brooding fish

a black little thing

that can spout

out things

like spew

and dust

my love isn't free,

it has been

open to (before)

a choice lady

or a nice guy,

but overall my colors leak and spill

and drain all over,

and I cannot get the stains out,

but since a decade

it has only been black and white

one, one

one invisible color

only i can see

and feel

it feels like netted cloth

it feels like serrated jaws

it feels like memories come alive

and I escape my traumas

and pains

for a moment inside of it

but when i come out,

well, i already came out, haha,

but when i come out of the gray, dust, fuzzy

cloudy, scratch-disc color that only i can see film

i see

the real rainbow

and its also

me