bleeding out

This poem paints a graphic picture of an emotional battle, mine personally. The depictions of self harm are a completely allegorical depiction of how damaging self blame can be, and is in no way meant to romanticize the practice. if you are cutting yourself physically, or emotionally. pleas tell someone, and know that there is a way out of the pain, you can come out of this stronger than ever before.

I'm bleeding out

With a knife in my chest

Blood pours with my doubt

I can't find my rest

I cut myself to feel the pain

To try and convince that I am to blame

But there never seems to be enough shame

The pool on the floor reflects many faces

They mock and they taunt and they speak my disgraces

It says that they love me and never embraces

I fail to see where their godliness graces

My humanity fails

I try hard to love

But hate takes its place

rage not from above

My heart hates the face

Where can I go to escape this great pain?

If I go unto men what then will I gain?

To the feat of the Father? The answer seems plain

Even there I can't escape, I still feel pain

Is there hope for me yet

When the pain lies within

Broken hearts don't forget

My sorrows begin

I pull my love closer

The knife she drives deeper

To love unconditionally, I must forgive her

Yet conditional love pulls out flaws like a reaper

I am riddled with holes

Imperfection and shame

Tis why my love goes

She says I'm to blame

Can I truly let go and still love her the same

Or does true love require that I go through the pain

The face mocks once more

It lies and deceives

A rift it has tore

And my heart at it greaves

Why does it do it?

From malice from hate?

I don't understand it

Has it not seen God’s gate?

In the end I will say something deep and profound

But right now I lay here in this pool on the ground

I will say I won't give up and that I will stay strong

But here's where I stand in the middle of this song

I'm bleeding out

With a knife in my chest

Blood pours with my doubt

I can't find my rest

The face swirls in my head

It's words argue with me

My bible I've read

I scream a silent plea

God save me from this pain

I can bear it no longer

What more can I gain?

I don't feel any stronger

I hear his voice say

Hold on longer my son

It must be this way

Because I love you my son

In the greatest possible way

Your grief is my grief

I do feel your pain

They steal as a thief

And for only their gain

But you must learn to love

As I have loved you

As your father above

Unconditional and true

So hold on for now

I have great plans in store

I will bring you your spouse

Someone to adore

It may be this one

Or it may be another

The choice lies with her

It lies with no other

This is the point where I say I will love her always

Without conditions to put in her way

But I still feel week

And still find no rest

With a passion that is dying

And meager at best

But I will hold on tonight

And when I get to tomorrow

I will hold on more tight

Pulling strength from the sorrow

This day He has given me

To walk out His love

And I must love my enemy

Even if it's my blood

So today I declare

I will love with my might

Even those who would dare

To stab me by night

Lord grant me the strength

In my weary days

To love them like you

Despite all their ways

I'm bleeding out

With a knife in my chest

Blood pours with my doubt

Lord give me my rest

A.J.P.

December 18 2018