Because I am weak

I am weak,

sitting here,

at the wake of our next fight,

with the answer in my head that I know is right,

without the nerve to say it outload,

When talking to my friends,

I can sit here and defend,

all the good qualities I see in you,

But that has nothing to do, with my truth,

you have seen the waves that have changed,

the callused texture in my voice when I say your name,

Because I can't deny that I don't see our future the same,

you see our turbulence as a journey,

but I am just bracing for impact at the edge of my seat,

Wondering when we are going to land,

or, if we even can,

You say I am in control of the wheel,

That you are here with me as long as I will deal.

But that's not a fair thing for you have to feel,

Take away the anger and differences,

you can say my thoughts are stress bound and fictitious,

but for this, that isn't the case,

But I can't seem to say those words to your face,

instead, I let you talk me off the ledge,

knowing the words, I am telling you feel like a knife edge,

but you keep fighting for us,

When I know it is still not enough,

Your kind words,

soften my conflicted mind,

Verbal comfort just buying us more time,

from the inevitable,

Of it feeling more hurtful,

You speak with such sincerity,

Direct but decerning,

I sit in silence, hurting,

knowing I am going to hurt you,

No matter when it will be,

you will be something I lose,

someone I no longer see,

I just can't wrap my head around that,

it is to matter of fact,

One day we live together in the light,

next day our future turns black,

I know what the answer is for me,

I can't continue to lie to you on what I see,

but instead, I sit here in silence tears down my face,

because I am weak,

And you deserve to be loved fully,

just not by me.