All I See Is Fear and Shame
I wrote this in high school when I was "secretly" dating my best friend who came from a strict Catholic family...So she was afraid to tell our parents.
Seems simple enough to me
Yet hard enough for her.
The fear and shame she shows just kills
She calls it love yet she shows it not
Unless alone, away from the world.
Why must we hide what we have?
The pain of it grows
Though only a few days to fester
Though only just released,
The built up waters are plenty.
Though only now being shown,
The love remains great.
She loves me, more everyday
Yet all I see is fear and shame.
In a quiet room alone
The love shines through all.
Those eyes, big and brown,
Smiling up to me and giving hope.
Those lips, salt and perfect,
Coaxing and loving, giving me life.
That voice, ever there,
No matter what is said, there is love and comfort.
Such love is so new.
Yet she has mastered it, though the truth of it new to her.
With her I sleep,
With her I am comforted.
Without I am afraid,
I long for her gentle touch and words.
They comfort even the smallest of ailments.
They work wonders and never cease to amaze.
Yet it is what is not said that both raises up
And knocks down.
It almost didn't happen, almost wasn't a thing.
The fear and shame almost won the first round.
Almost.
Through it all, the fear and shame,
Somehow she saw me through such darkness.
The real me, the me I wish and fear people will see.
The me that fights herself.
The me that gets scared more often than not.
The me that fears the world and all on it.
The me who has seen more than imaginable.
But
Also the me who fights for love.
Also the me who powers through fear,
Through the world.
Also the me who can help and feel for all, if allowed.
And she allowed the me to win.
She allowed the water to flow
And the dam to break
She allowed it all.
All emotion, held back for so long
All love and happiness
But
All fear and shame
And the latter was, are bountiful.
Fear of those above us.
Fear of those who judge
Fear of those who show negative emotion
I fear it is emotion over all that is feared.
Yet the fear I understand.
I feel it too
But not for her reasons
She fears them, I fear her fear.
I fear she shall leave me
Because a few words
From a parent, a "friend", a peer.
Because a look
A glare, a glance, a stare.
Because a feeling
A worry, a shame, a fear.
A fear
The fear
The shame I don't know
Will not know.
I do not feel shame or regret
Under fear
I feel happy.
Happy and jubilant and loving.
She denies and yet I see her reactions
Feel her hesitate.
Then we're alone and it washed away.
The love cleansing all
Yet can love cleanse
The fear and shame?
About the Creator
Hannah Payne
I write a bit of everything! I greatly appreciate every read and hope you enjoy 😁
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