All I Know

I don't know when it started,

The hiding

All I know is that I woke up one day

And realized no one really knew me

The people I held close

Had no idea who I really was.

I didn't even know who I really was anymore

So I spent a season sorting through the rubble and clutter of my self image

Finding forgotten treasures in the things I loved and left behind.

Separating the things that really mattered to me

from the things I hoarded because I thought they made me look impressive,

or approachable,

or because everyone else kept them,

so I thought I should too.

I was left sitting criss-cross with a small pile of truth,

Surrounded by heaps of illusions of my own design

All I know is that I woke up one day

And realized I called myself by nicknames

And I was deeply afraid

That people would see the parts of me I loved and deemed

worth keeping,

And they wouldn't recognize me anymore

All I know is

It has been easier to play pretend

Than to stand vulnerable in the light of all that I am

All I know is

I am slowly coming to realize

the pretending is not worth it