Addiction in the Raw

Hi, My name is Malarie. I'm an addict.

This poem displays a point of darkness I never wish to reach again. This was 2 months into my relapse that began March of 2020. I was 8 months clean, and it only took one wrong decision to change that.

- 54 days sober 10/20/20

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The sky is dark

The walls are closing in

Sobriety's worst fear…

Falling off again.

Decisions aren't black and white

As you may think

Some are written in red

And others ran out of ink.

A daily battle

That you feel sure to lose

A crowd that watches silently

As you put on your noose

You don't want to be this way

You feel so weak

You thought if you didn't answer the door

The addict would eventually leave

A silent cry for help,

falls on deaf ears.

"I didn't know it had gotten this bad"

Your mom's eyes fill with tears

She wants to help,

but doesn't know what to do

She'll blame herself,

Every time she thinks of you.

A natural fuck up,

is what you are.

Probably stems from unresolved

Childhood scars.

They'll say -

"She picked drugs over her kids."

like it was really a choice.

They'll say -

"Addiction isn't a disease."

as she tries to drown out the noise

They'll say -

" Just say no."

but they haven't heard the whispering voice!

They don't understand what it's like

to disappoint the people you love

time and time again.

They don't understand what it's like

to lose all your childhood friends.

To see the look on their face

shrouded in pity.

To tell your little brother

that you're back on drugs

and you feel the pain wrapped in his hug.

To look at your kids and wonder how they weren't enough.

If you had one wish, you would use it to put dope down for good.

If you had one wish, you do use it to be the best mother you could.

But wishes are in fairy tales,

Cheap dreams are what sells

To look in the mirror and hate the person you see.

Because when I look in the mirror, that person isn't me.

You try to break repetitive habits

But somehow always wind up chasing the white rabbit

Down the hole you fall

You land on your knees and begin to crawl

You call up your friends

To try and hang out

To get rid of the bad thoughts

And silence the demon who now shouts

But they are busy,

with lives of their own.

You lay in bed

waiting by the phone.

The addict never left,

You just tucked her away.

When a storm is overhead

You'll take her out to play.

And the moment you do,

You'll wish you hadn't!

You'll wish that you would have left her in the attic!

but you walk up the stairs to find the white rabbit

- brush off the dust -

and continue that habit!

Will you ever be free?

Will you ever be able to say that's no longer a part of me?

Because I, I carry it around.

It's a weight on my shoulders that grows heavier by the day.

I wish I could shake it off and it would land far far away,

But it's fingers have a ice cold grip on a part of my soul.

May 20th 2020