Act Three

You charmed me into the theatre of make-believe, acting from scripts your adolescent mind had penned

She wore the mask of effortlessness, craving recognition as the ‘cool’ girlfriend

And as for me, who was I?

A way to avoid boredom? Company for getting high?

.

I became the puppet of your show, the one you had begging for more

It’s all a psychology trick, you once said, when I showed you some article on love that I’d read

I ignored that.

I buried it underneath the stage, erased the words from our script’s page

.

Yet they had already burned my mind and scorched my heart, eroded the trust from the very start

I ignored the flags that red told me to fear,

I believed all the words I was desperate to hear,

your I love you’s became my gospel truth, holding my faith above continual proofs

of lip service

.

Amidst your work, on privileged weekdays, you had me intoxicated in your haze

-l eyes, that were always my demise

You were my king, my prize, my everything, Monday through Thursday, ‘til the weekend would inevitably begin,

and I was cast as your third wheel act.

.

Her arrival brought the curtain descending, awakening me to our week long pretending

our act now over, her dance commencing, how could you not desire what she is dispensing

A symphony of lightness and beauty and grace, that both of us lost when we were her age

there is no contending

.

Being pushed aside for months like this soon took its toll on illusionary bliss,

I wonder if it would have helped me to have known, that heroin can come packaged in your human form

ever pointless to think along those lines for I’m already hooked, and it seemed by design

Only not mine

.

Medusa was one who turned others to stone, but you effortlessly seduce all with your tone,

There is no defence I could possibly have raised, when my eyes first locked to your hypnotic gaze,

Your effortless smile and charisma and style

Had me all before hello

.

Something on which we can surely depend, that fantasy in theatre always comes to an end,

Doors are locked and costumes removed, main actors go home, with skills much improved

But what of the puppet left on the stage, the one who’s aching heart is now poisoned by rage?

abandoned after being brought back to life, it would have hurt far less to be pierced with a knife

.

Oh how much you had me believe, how fucking stupid, how very naive

Caught in this cycle of continually hoping, somehow it was my fault you were ignoring

all the promises of love and forever, and that maybe someday we would end up together,

Promises to call and to visit soon, were as empty as dreams of going to the moon

.

Promises that you continued making, even long after it was clear you were faking and had every intention to keep on breaking

Every last thread of my trust, until the relationship had crumbled to dust

Until finally hope was coloured so dark, and stains of disappointment had imprinted their mark,

And I had to let go

.

Three years and a day, since we each walked away

and still I battle not to believe, that you had set out to trick and deceive

To use me as some piece of fun, someone you knew you would later shun

Do you ever consider how much I hated this torment that your ghosting created?

.

And because I knew it didn’t reflect my worth, my deep empathy for you became my curse

For I’ve felt inside your deepest pain, or is my perception just completely insane?

All those nights I lay upon your chest, do you dare to tell or even suggest

That I didn’t come to know every. single. beat.

.

I felt everything you ever tried to hide, every fear that lives inside

Every damaged, fractured, broken piece, every agony never released,

Can you really have forgotten, all of the energy begotten

And exchanged?

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There were moments I was you and you were me, illusion of separation fully deceased

No matter how strongly you push away and bury, I too wont be leaving your mind in a hurry

Distract, get high, ignore and pretend, but it won’t last forever, something eventually will bend

It wasn’t just me, you felt it too, it’s exactly why I was too much for you

.

A perfect mirror, a reflection deep, which is why you were given my heart to keep,

But like the villain from Once Upon A Time, you hid yours well and only took mine

held it there firmly in hand, had me entirely at your command,

and still do

.

I tried many times, I sent letters, I called, my heart still painfully, naively enthralled,

Convincing itself that maybe, perhaps, those fragments of you were better than no contact

Somehow believing if I took all the blame, and found a way to save you from shame,

You would return

.

I can’t take the silence anymore, and I can’t forget what we had before

Maybe you thought it for the best, to discard me just like all the rest

The weight of disappointment had grown intense, and running away was your best defence,

just like mine

.

I wish my heart would return to me, it’s now been with you for an eternity,

I tried and I try

to forget you, say goodbye,

I deserve a true love, I deserve true peace, I deserve a prince who never leaves

.

The longer this continues the more I despise, how weak I am to my own eyes.

Why are you not just like every other, easy to forget, let my heart recover?

Every song I hear is from you, to you, about you,

are any of the lyrics true?

.

Ecstasy was your touch, your hands on my skin, the inevitable rush

The softness of your neck, your skin, your face, how safe I felt in your embrace

I could never separate your touch from mine, I felt through yours when our bodies entwined

My consciousness inside of yours, for hundreds of precious, sacred hours,

.

An experience I have not before tasted, so I can never consider time with you wasted

Even although this heavenly vision, Plunged me inside years of prison

Of which I’ve worked so hard to break free, for loving you is insanity

But will that freedom ever be granted? Or am I forever cursed by what once felt enchanted?

.

I switch so regularly between, prayers of an us and never seeing you again

Which is more painful? I can’t decide, holding onto hope or casting your memory aside

Except, the real problem is

I’ve already tried

.

There are days when I fantasise, thinking another lover will arrive, take back my heart, help it to revive

I’ll realise that I never felt love more true and he will clear away all memory of you,

But envisioning this is somewhat hard, given how high you set the bar

And the most obvious of all that’s true, is that no one else can ever be you

.

If I create my reality then how did I miss, creating the one where I have your kiss

The one where we live in our houses by the sea, linked by our bridge up high in the trees

The future we painted, where us meant you and me

in love, together, forever free

.

Even if it was all exactly as before, and I’m your Monday to Thursday on occasional hour,

Which sounds awful to those who just don’t know, the absolute joy you brought to my soul,

Even just one call to break your silence, would feel so much better than this emotional violence,

Didn’t I deserve that? Don’t I still? Can’t you choose love over fear at will?

.

Two years of silence without reprieve, feels like an unjustified punishment to me

As I eternally work to see the best, to believe you’re the exception or that this is an elaborate test

But should I really work this hard, alone, for years, when you discard

-ed me already?

.

After all, look what’s been, this past year has been obscene,

A year imprisoned in fear of my life, and not once did you call, or check I’m alright

How long do I keep pretending you care? Until the cold facts over take my prayer ?

How did I get my beliefs so upside down, so inside out, the wrong way ‘round? Heroin would have been an easier comedown

.

I still refuse to believe that I was just meant for tinder, burnable, disposable, intended as cinder

But just as the past 1000 days, my mind still screams it sure looks that way

For a year it felt like you were running down a list, “how to get her to leave you”, some relationship desist

for the dishonourable

.

Was it heaven or was it not? My memory feels so damn mixed up

What I felt with you and how you acted, that extreme dissonance is why we parted

Leaving me bouncing between the two, questioning who were you?

To this day

.

How can I understand and move on, with no answers at all, just you being gone

She called me once saying you both think of me often, it was immediately after I’d fought hope into a coffin

Timed so fucking perfectly, was this your sick game running effectively?

Keeping me dangling on that string, forever your puppet, thinking of you again

.

Can’t ever push you out of my mind, is this really what you designed?

Am I in some kind of hell, and you are both demons torturing me still?

It sure does seem that way, especially when I’m having a hard day,

and obsessing

.

I no longer know what was real, I never was able to trust what I feel,

Something which you surely knew, from my ever present paranoia and questioning what was true

I’m so tired of this constant head fuck, of which there’s no end and I’m eternally stuck

On you

.

Perhaps it’s more real than I ever knew, and this is why I can’t forget you

Were we once gods with an immortal life, who grew bored with ease and created strife?

Choosing to become human and forget each other, to attempt to settle for another

As a test of our love?

.

It would certainly serve to explain so much, like why my body still aches for your touch

And craves your whispers in my ear, and the way you kissed away my tears

Why I wanted you from the very first play, before either of us had anything to say,

and why I’ve thought of you every day since

.

Do you remember the time you brought me to orgasm (which?), barely moving, with all our clothes on?

Do you remember how I was dripping wet, everyday on our set?

Do you remember the days it reached 36° degrees? You stripped me naked and got on your knees

in the hall, against the wall,

Sanpellegrino and legs akimbo.

Of course you do

.

Do you remember asking me what I enjoy? And I laughed so hard I thought I would cry

Because you melted me with your every touch, and somehow you thought that wasn’t enough

Do you remember how hard I was to resist, in the early days before we had kissed?

and broke rule number one

.

Smoking, that word became our code, to choke down our feelings, set to explode

But in the end it was only used by you, I had zero intention of saying it too

How many weeks spent on your balcony with cigarettes and cashmere hats and mugs of peppermint and honey tea

Denying thee?

.

Late night snacks and kitchen kisses are just some of the 8000 memories that my heart misses

Always one of my most favourite times, because you were back to smiling and once again mine

My favourite tiger, I used to say, when we cuddled up on the sofa to watch James May

In Japan

.

Even the deafening burr of your ancient coffee machine, a noise that was off the charts obscene

has found itself filed remarkably high, on a list of memories labelled blissful days gone by

Alongside that endless list of house rules you unveiled, all of which I'm pretty sure I failed,

Like never putting lids on bottles, or jars of honey before they toppled

(it was the Borrowers)

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But really the true joy was waking up to your smile, and the way you held me when I felt fragile,

Which was all of the time back in those days, when ptsd had set my mind ablaze

They were all times that I’ll never forget, and as I say, can never regret

Even if it was all fantasy and dream and dysfunction reigned supreme

.

Oh to go back to a time living out this romance, how differently I would do it all, given such chance

I’d also happily erase the time you said I wasn’t her and every other thoughtless, cruel moment, concur?

I would even accept your broken promises, for now I would simply raise my tolerances

Like I should have before

.

Perhaps now that it’s all been spoken, I’ll be able to leave behind this broken

version of me who deeply fell, into a love that became a journey through hell,

Repeating all my childhood trauma, still playing understudy in someone else’s drama,

Never a leading role acquired, unless star victim is the one required

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I wonder dear reader, are you also confused? About whether I was loved or being used?

If not then I haven’t correctly conveyed, the full story as it should be portrayed

Ultimately, the question hinges upon, which level of consciousness he was operating from

Did he leave out of love, or fear and blame? Was it because of the weight of his shame?

.

And that is the answer I need to move on, to stop from hearing him in every song,

And seeing him in every face, just to let go with some kind of grace,

Instead the question plagues my mind, desperately seeking an answer that alone I can never find

left only with this insanity, of toxic hope poisoning me

.

The scent of you remains on my skin, and the love you gave me stays within,

but as always I end by reminding myself, that you left me on the metaphorical shelf

For being sickened with you persistently, making disappointment and let down a consistency

You slammed the door with no encore, just left me unwanted, unloved and played with no more

.