A Want

I thought I saw you yesterday

I remembered your smile and the curves of your face

And I was right back there in that moment that day

Sometimes I hate that I feel this way

Like thinking I saw you could make “breathe” flash on that tiny watch screen

And time could slow and become more serene

God I hate the way my heart sings

You make me believe

You hear that people, he makes me believe

For once in my life I want love to be

Do you hear that, for once in my life I want love to be

I’m willing to be loved by you, to be annoyed by you, to be hurt by you, let my heart run in circles for you, to be worried about you, the be in pain over you, to smile with you, to share moments with you, to love you deeper than any pain I knew

I could go on and on, but I simply want to be loved by you

And ever since I saw you this has been the truth

I just ran away

I was afraid

Afraid at that time, because life and love had only caused pain

And I was afraid that your love would only be in vain

And you’d only take away another part of my heart, another patch of trust, numbing out my brain

Maybe it’s my abandonment issues speaking,

Everyone who “loves me” has a funny way of always leaving

Then later on, therapy tells you, “love isn’t always catering to everyone’s needs.”

I guess I just didn’t want that to be our love, the twisted one that I’ve known

But leaving that environment, it feels like I finally am growing up

Seeing how the love I had was abuse, and that I was simply being used

How most people didn’t truly have my back only the few people that are left

And after all that…all I can think of is loving you

The “what if it”, “isn’t true’s”, and the “what if he leaves you, uses you, and abuse you” has finally disappeared

You might do all of those things, but at least I can say I tried

But I don’t believe you’d be like that

And I want to know for a fact…