A Prelude to Acceptance

The blood struggles to flow through your brain

But you live your life not knowing when or where or how the stroke will strike

It begins with frying an egg and ends after your last class

You are 20

You are a sophomore

You are an elite athlete

You don't know it yet

Why do I feel so strange?

I continue to go about the day unaware

You are part of a rare group

***

The affliction is uncommon

Confusion sets in

Speech is slurred

You cannot move your right arm

Your right leg is dragging, and you don't understand why

You cannot recall how you arrived home

They ask if you are ok, and you say yes

But that is not what comes out

Why can't they understand me?

I am not drunk and why would they ask that

Your eyes grow wide as you recognize their looks of panic

***

The affliction is uncommon

You need a nap

All you want is to lie down and sleep

Wish they would stop talking

They are so loud, and everyone is speaking at once

You are confused

What is with all this commotion

You are fine

Can I please just go to bed?

I don't want to upset anyone or make a fuss

They call for help

***

The affliction is uncommon

You arrive at the hospital and are immediately whisked into the ER

Hospital gown and booties donned

Hooked up IVs...EKG...Pulse...Blood Pressure

Wheeled around for tests

Scans

Blood drawn

Pee in a cup

How did I get here?

I am relieved when I see you walk into the room

You don't remember the drive or getting undressed only that you are in this bed

***

The affliction is uncommon

CT scan

MRI

Cerebral Angiogram

Occlusion

Ischemic Stroke

Aphasia

Partial temporary paralysis

I don't understand can you please repeat that?

I hold your hand as he delivers the news

Moyamoya Disease has no cure

***

The affliction is uncommon

Diagnosis

Prognosis

Treatment options

You search for hope in the eyes of others

The tears flow and still, you do not understand

You cannot find the words to ask the questions

You can only think

Will I live? Will I Die? How can I survive?

I shrink in your arms and you hold me tight

You can survive and will not die and will live

***

The affliction is uncommon

Support groups offer kindness and answers

Research and second opinions

Speech and physical therapy heal the body but the mind is bruised

You begin to travel the load road to recovery

You cry in the shower

You contemplate your life

You put on a brave face for everyone

Can I do this? Do I want to do this?

I look into your eyes for reassurance

Yes, We can do this

***

The affliction is uncommon

COVID lockdown

Another emergency hospital admission 5 days...alone

Navigating the healthcare system

This is a lot for a 20-year-old

You agonize over options until the decision is finally made

Travel across the country during a global pandemic

It is terrifying

I am so scared will I be able to do this?

Immuniocomprosed double-masked isolated and scheduled for brain surgery

You put on a brave face because success is the only option

***

The surgery is rare

Surgical consultations behind masks

We meet the doctor on Monday

Surgery scheduled for Tuesday

Naked in the shower scrubbed with antibacterial foam

You towel off, brush your teeth

Thoughts race in your mind

Sleep comes slowly on this night

We lay side by side holding hands

I am so frightened, will I be able to do this?

You give one last hug and walk into the hospital, alone, and do not look back

After surgery, in your room, We quietly sob and hold each other gingerly

***

The recovery is atypical

2 weeks later the flight across the country back home

Walking miles everyday in-step side by side

30-40-50 so many stitches removed

You begin running and our strides match and in no time you outrun me

Training begins again

School begins again

You study for hours and cannot remember

Why does my body not do what my brain is telling it to do?

I feel helpless

The frustration sets in

***

The comeback is extraordinary

Patience and understanding come slowly, drifting in by degrees

The old methods seem not to work, but new processes are formed

You are back in touch with your intuition and in sync with your body

You may struggle to remember, but you cope and overcome

You run

You plant

You soar over the bar

Is this old life still what I desire?

In asking this, you have already triumphed

The confidence bubbles to the surface

***

The acceptance is remarkable

What defines a person?

In 22 short years, you have already experienced a lifetime

Walking in the afternoon on a breezy spring day

Birds are chirping and the lilacs smell sweet

You pause

You look me in the eye

I am so happy to be alive

Me too

Tender exuberant tears flow as we embrace

We stroll towards the hopeful prelude to acceptance