A Letter Never Sent

Hey there old friend,

A lot has happened since I last saw you. The world is burning, everyone is full of rage, communities are turning on themselves, and here I am still thinking about you. When the air feels gray I imagine the night we went to the cemetery. We really wanted to see that albino woman. Now, I don’t think we could’ve handled the scare. But, do you remember what happened that night? I lost my phone, so we had to go back to look for it. Not an easy task as we had just fled the grounds out of fear of night birds. I was afraid my mom was going to kill me if she found I lost my phone and how. So, you went back to the abyss of that cemetery with me. We looked on the ground as you called my phone over and over. We didn’t find it that night. We went back the next morning to look in the daylight. Within 10 minutes you had found it lying face down in the grass, battery dead. My soul aches remembering this. Not since have I found a friend big enough to face the dark with. You were a golden spirit in my life that night.

I always wonder how you are doing, hoping you’re realizing dreams, visiting new places with people who love you. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself because you’re not participating in my life anymore. Things are so different here now. Whenever something good happens I picture telling you and seeing the pride in your eyes. You were always happy for others, probably still are. Don’t worry, these pity parties don’t last long. I am fully aware I don’t even have a right to write to you. Which is why I’ll probably never send this. If you’re reading this, I must have expired or something.

Are you happy though? Did you figure out life’s secrets? Did you ever struggle? Did you ever have moments you wished I was there? Probably not. That’s okay, I wouldn’t want me there either. I’m sorry you knew me while I was a shit person. I was mercilessly selfish at the expense of you. I look back at the things I did behind your back too often. I feel held captive by the way I treated you. Like, without your forgiveness I’ll never be worthy of another deep friendship. In a way, you’ve become toxic for me. Not because you are toxic, but because I am obsessed with your approval. Maybe if I heard you say what I was doing with my life mattered and that I was actually different that it would make my transformation more legitimate. I know from experience this isn’t right, outside approval is not where it’s at.

I can’t send this letter now, it’s turned into another pity party. I really thought I just wanted to say sorry but now I think all I want is another thing from you. It’s a good thing we aren’t friends anymore. I still have a lot to learn and I can’t grow from old lessons. So I’ll let this apology sit stale in my wardrobe and hope the words of my apologies echo through space to you.

With Sorrow and Regret,

The Old Friend That Hurt You