a breakup letter to doomscrolling

Hi, we’ve spent a lot of time together in the past.

A lot of time, that I will never get back.

Time that I could have used to make myself proud, to build connections, relationships or find peace.

But instead I numbed my mind with you, waiting to find something that brought me any level of joy, or made me feel anything at all.

When we’re together I feel like I’m not even alive, like my life is paused and doesn’t matter.

I scroll along and see the lives of people I don’t know.

Even though it would bring me much more joy and peace to connect to myself and those who matter the most to me instead.

I can't stand to spend anymore time with you.

I want to rest, or do something enjoyable instead of consuming the nonsense that you continue to show me and fill my mind with.

When I’m with you I feel stuck, hopeless, and helpless – like I can't walk away.

Even though when we’re together I deeply fear I may never reach my potential.

I know that all you do is steal my life away.

I've allowed you to steal days and weeks, even months, approaching years away from my life.

Shortening it.

The worst part is when I'm with you, I don’t enjoy it.

And yet I can’t seem to stop.

Then when my phone dies I feel relieved.

And anxious.

I try to do something else, but then suddenly I’m sitting there for hours with you again.

Doing nothing.

Learning nothing.

And feeling nothing.

I deserve more than this.

My life is meaningful.

I’m tired of spending time with you and feeling like it’s not.

Feeling like I’m worthless, scared of the state of the world, and disconnected from everything.

I’ve gambled my life away with you again and again, and so badly I wish you didn’t exist.

But you do.

And you're everywhere.

Your trending audios echo in my mind, reminding me that we've spent far too much time together recently.

Reminding me that when I'm saying yes to wasting time with you, that I'm also saying no to doing things that I truly care about.

I automatically bypass the restrictions I put on you even though it makes me feel deeply lonely and lost every time I that I hit "15 more minutes".

Nothing you show me is that funny, that valuable, or remotely worth the time you waste of mine.

I want nothing more than to say goodbye to you forever.

But I haven't been able to so far.

Even though I don't want to see you.

I manage to find you in every single corner.

Without looking.

You show up in front of me because,

You're just so selfish, and possessive.

You are because you carelessly waste the lives of everyone, turning us all into mindless, disconnected, unregulated and angry people.

You do all this and don't care.

Because you're an algorithm, you're able to manipulate us very well.

But you don't have any capacity for empathy.

So you hide our wasted potential underneath cooking videos, of recipes we'll never make.

Dances we'll never learn.

Things we'll never buy.

Workouts we'll never do.

Conversations we'll never have.

Experiences we'll only watch.

Because we're too busy with you.