3 Worn Words

What I've learned, after many moon rotations without seeing you,

is I'll still see your face

At 6 am when i close my eyes

What I've learned, after countless nights of no sleep,

is I can only see as far as my experiences

If you only see the peace I am in as I write this, you would certainly have a look of pride

You're not here anymore, we both aren’t, but I hear stuff about you and I feel flares of glee, desire, anger, grief

I thought I had great vibes

But I smashed every door: dismantled

Too late even as I remember, I could never find the ‘right’ way to tell you how much you mean to me

I'm the coldest when scorned

But you could read every micro aggression in my silence

Joy stopped coming naturally after a while, the shock took hold

I just wanted to love you in my own language

it’s better than saying I love you is for the memories now

I'm lying here naked in front of a camera again, it’s exhilarating

But I'm so high it almost feels like I’m the only person in the room

It's not a place to be naive and my instincts know that

But,

if I had your approval on my swollen ego, I would feel safe to thrive in my divine

My divine in your hands, recklessness,

I move on fast from one extreme to another guided by

Sounds of harps and inner whispers

Untouchable, as far as my mind resists

Now, I'm running with only one weapon

But I'm composed with it, and I hear your laugh echo across the parking lot

But you're not here, and my mood is a fantasy led by regret

Like before we lived all the traumas

We would fly back to our places to take the pressure off

Hidden under the trees that smell of pine

You looked at me as if you wanted to marry the minute after, I did too

This feels better, I’m still too fragile for reintroduction

I just wanted to say I love you in my own language

It's better than saying I love you in every sentence

-Brandie G.