1968

"1968"

Poem derived from my first completed journal, Black and Blue (2018-2019). Written June 10th 2018. Dedicated to my late father, David Molina. Rest in Paradise King.

~~~~~~~

My heart wants to write about you

But I'm afraid I'll be afraid of what words would spew from my pen,

as I describe the sharp pain in my soul that I feel

when I stop for one moment to breathe, and I see your hollow eyes looking at me,

In my mind.

Maybe you're disappointed in me,

scared for me,

because you feel the

uncertainty

and fear I feel:

only you understand.

I hate seeing my Superman become

destructible.

Fuck this, scratch all these lines up.

I want to paint a vivid picture

with my words

so the world can see,

feel my thoughts every time

you cross mind:

Your eyes,

dark, hollow.

They scream at me,

they tell me

"Help me, but I don't want to help myself."

"Hold me, but I don't want to be felt."

When you close them,

you look at peace.

It's chilling to me.

That peace should be present

when you're looking at the whitest walls...

I'm scared to look at you.

Scared because

Every day I see you,

makes one day closer that i'll

never see your mortal body again.

My human body is fixated with the separation anxiety

at the thought of losing yours, though

I know our souls are 1.

So, when the Universe calls

you home, you will

become even closer to me,

engrained in my energy.

Why then, do I feel such sorrow

when I look at you?

Your eyes

are hollow.

Your eyebrow hairs have grown

back again,

and those lashes I envy are back.

The way the corners of your mouth

turn down when you are staring at the TV screen

has me convinced that the actors are watching you,

engulfed in your own fears,

regrets,

heartache.

You are asleep now.

Eyes closed.

Maybe if I closed mine too,

your soul will lift mine up and bite my right cheek

as I laugh and think to myself:

"My Superman is pretending to be a monster...he could never hurt me."

I go to you,

to speak.

I open the door.

You eyes are closed.

You are at peace

When you sleep.

I am in a nightmare

while I'm wide awake.