Love Story/ 1986

"LOVE STORY/1986"

Poems derived from my first completed journal, Black and Blue (2018-2019). Written August 5th 2018.

~~~~~~~

Let's play pretend

Like Barbie and Ken

in a dollhouse made of chestnut brown bricks

stacked together tighter than the bullshit facade that

makes us a weak unit as we're fooling people for so fucking long to have them think we're one of those "picture perfect" families

you see in the black and white photo of the .99 cent frame

you just cracked because you were so caught up

in her loving you the way she has no desire in her heart to

that you let anger fester like a pus-filled scar you picked at

because you get no instant gratification

out of seeing a wound heal.

My brain works like a 5 year old

playing "House" with her dolls,

matching them with perfect little names and imaginary

lives that are conceived by my idea of ideal

happiness and success.

I do that with us, too, except a toddler's reality is narrow compared to the shit I've seen and continue to feel,

which make it harder for me to dream, pretend, ease the pain with

my imagination,

because I know damn well

no Mg. of Xanax or sip Chardonnay

can suppress this reality

which is my nightmare.

If you don't think this is a

love poem,

you're wrong.

Love is confused with

obsession, with the feeling of being so comfortable with something that

you fear change.

I don't want your idea of love,

because 27 years of pain, manipulation, and reciprocated abuse just to try and sell this picture perfect

image of happiness to those who know you is something i'm not buying.

I'd rather buy and ounce to smoke and burn away all my fear for one night

that to believe we'll ever be one again.

I pray that in this lifetime,

I can write my own Love Story that makes sense,

where two people don't depend on each other

for money and comfort,

where guilt trips aren't a full coursed meal

and the only trip i'll be taking is to a place with the bluest-greenest waters

and whitest sands.

Maybe I can manifest my perfect love story by writing it,

or I'll just pray I wake up one day from this bad dream,

where true love stories are not in the fiction books,

and they don't bleed this deep.

///////

I hate how she makes you want to step on your glasses

and break one lens.

I hate how he makes you not want to rub his back

and kiss his forehead when he's crying.

I hate how much I hate both of you right now

for not trying to love each other the right way.