Aromantic Terminology and Me

All the terminologies with being a part of the asexual community. QPR, squish, and zucchini. Each of them are things that I have my own thoughts on. All of which I’ll be rambling here in the most coherent way that I can. I do hope that this makes sense for you all.

Queer platonic relationship: Something that I have never had in my life. It is something that I have been reading about in fiction. But not for me. At least as far as I know it isn’t for me.

I want to want someone, but I don’t know in what sense. Being aromantic can make this utterly confusing. Along with being asexual. It further complicates what I really want. Or what I think I really want. And I really wish that I could ask someone about this.

Squish: This term is something that I have thought of a lot lately. I think I may have felt this at one point or another. Though I’m not sure if I confused it for a crush or not. When I was younger, I had no idea what aromantic was. Nor did I have a proper understanding of asexuality either.

The terminology was something that wasn’t exactly used nicely at all. Or was used for very ‘damaged’ or otherwise 'murderous' characters. Like Rorschach from ‘The Watchmen’. And if we really wish to get into it. Alastor? I suppose. I have no real understanding if he is that or not. I have never watched ‘Hazbin Hotel’.

Though I think he’s terrible representation if he is this.

Zucchini: A term of endearment for someone’s Queer Platonic Partner or their Quasi-Platonic Partner. It’s silly in my book. But I think it can really suit someone’s relationship very well. If that’s how they feel about each other. Possibly something I might call my own queer platonic partner if I ever get one. Though in all honesty I doubt I’m ever going to get one.

And I’m pretty sure that I’m fine with this. Right now, at the very least. There are moments that I have felt so cold inside that I hate it. Hate being aromantic and asexual. To the point that I wish I was just like everyone else in life. Be more like my trans woman co-worker.

With her loving partner and their adorable little family, they got together.

Other days I’m perfectly fine without any of that. Being an aromantic, asexual, and autistic trans man who’s single. It feels freeing and I feel that I should be focusing on myself. Focusing on healing myself from the crap that’s happened in my life. That there is no missing piece to me. There will never be a missing piece to me.

Yet I still don’t feel entirely whole.

It could be being aromantic, asexual, and transgender. Maybe finally being able to start HRT could help with the feeling of being incomplete. But the lonely feeling? I’m not entirely sure if that will go away even if I do start to transition. And I know everyone feels lonely every now and then. It is something you put up with and try to deal with. That it won’t last forever just like being sad won’t last forever.

Even if it feels like it will.

I wish I could find out all the answers in some guide. To understand just how I feel. But technically there aren’t. You can get some information from that and get on the right track. Several books that I possibly need to find and buy. I’m not entirely certain where exactly to buy it.

Maybe Amazon?

Or Wal-Mart?

I’ll keep looking on either of these websites as thoroughly as possible. I’ll find answers to my questions in one way or another. Even if I must scrounge through the whole internet and world to do so. I want to feel less like a lonely and cold shell of a person. I’ll do whatever it takes to feel like myself again.