Why My Dog is a Nymphomaniac

I never quite thought a dog could be a nymphomaniac, until I purchased Carla. Carla was a Jack Russell. I knew Jack Russell's were affectionate, but I didn't quite realise to the degree that she would literally prowl upon anything that released even a microgram of testosterone.

(Yes, I am fully aware Carla looks deformed, but that is just her appetite for the male species that makes her have a sideways head, okay? Understood? Great.)

Now, it was last June and I was very aware that Carla would be going into heat in the following days and so I decided to try and keep her home as much as possible. This was a striking change as I always took Carla to the park most afternoons, and she was well aware of the reason I wasn't taking her to the park.

(Yes, that's Carla laying down.)

I could see it in her eyes, as if she was trying to telepathically communicate with me and say:

"I need men!"

And I would telepathically reply with:

"Me too sweetie, me too!"

This wasn't enough for Carla, she would bark for hours on end and scratch at the door, like a meth addict desperately searching for their next hit. She couldn't find hers.

She would scratch at the door, hump anything that felt soft and furry and leave bloody trails all over my faux fur carpet, which now looks like a crime scene.

She was getting desperate. I knew I couldn't keep her housebound forever, and she wasn't enjoying her time in the garden. She would just sit there and aimlessly stare at the gate, hoping that she could open it using her mind and go and find herself a suitable mate.

Eventually, I gave in. She had even stopped urinating outside and was just urinating inside for the fun of it, like some absolute fiend. She was aggressive and would even try and bite me if I got close to her.

I composed myself and grabbed her lead, which had a little tinkly bell attached to it, so she knew whenever we were going on a walk. I slowly approached her, she was just sat staring at a wall.

I moved the lead and it made a tinkling noise, and she span round so fast that I think she probably dislocated her spine.

She looked at me with such evil eyes, and I said "Walkies."

She pounced onto me and started licking my face and panting aggressively, it was as if she had taken a double dose of Viagra and she was rearing to go. I put the lead on her and triple-checked that it was fastened securely as if she slipped through it, it would be a disaster.

I decided to take her down the cycle path, instead of into the park, to avoid the majority of other dogs that would be out at that time. However, Carla knew, she knew about my grand plan and she was not having any of it.

She started fidgeting and nibbling at the lead... and then...

She managed to chew her way through it in a matter of seconds, like a drunk person with a kebab after a night out. She sprinted off into the direction of the park and I tried chasing after her, but I am a very unfit smoker and so I couldn't catch her.

I tried looking everywhere for her, and eventually decided to go home and post a missing ad on Facebook, but just as I opened my computer, I heard scratching at the door.

It was Carla, she had a smitten, yet satisfied look on her face as she waltzed into the house. She had obviously been humping every Tony, Terrence and Taylor at the park. She slowly laid down in her bed and fell asleep, clearly exhausted after attending the dog equivalent of a swingers sex party.

Whoever is the father to the 6 puppies that Carla gave birth to best start paying some child maintenance because they aren't cheap and they are not easy to care for.

Now that I have Coco, Chanel, Gucci, Vuitton, Yves and Sandra, I am dreading the next heat... as they are all female.

So yeah, that's why my dog(s) is a nymphomaniac.

Note to self: BUY MALE DOGS.