Writing through depression

A thousand voices yelling at the top of their lungs. Music plays almost constantly, sometimes a song from Pink Floyd, sometimes the theme from an 80s cartoon, or anything I’ve heard over the years. Images play, scenes from movies or tv shows, or favorite books are played out in my mind, sometimes perfect recreations, sometimes a “what if '' scenario, or if I am feeling whimsical I’ll even insert skinny me.

Such is what is happening in my mind at any given time, almost without pause. Sounds wonderful, does it not? At times it could be, but usually it’s a distraction that would leave me uncoordinated, hesitant, socially awkward, and pretty much a nerd. During the quiet times it could be a wonderful thing, especially during times of boredom. I could lose myself in my mind while others stamped their feet in frustration.

Then as we get older shit tends to hit the fan with disturbing frequency. Problems arise. Problems are solved. Obstacles spontaneously appear just to piss us off. Obstacles are overcome. When you are younger, it’s easier, there’s that boundless energy and feeling of immortality that is completely wasted on them. Then you hit 30, and everything seems to change. People around you are like “okay, you’ve had your fun, time to die inside and become a consumer zombie like the rest of us, forever beholden to those with the illusions of wealth and power, and define your very identity by what you do, who exploits you, and how many you can exploit. Welcome to adulthood”

Yay.

Despite our best efforts, many of us will partake of the substances the Powers That Be offer us to make our lives more bearable. I avoided coffee until almost 30, but a month of doing projects at night then working in the day became more than my non-caffeinated body could handle. These days, the surest way to an early grave is to talk to me before I’ve had my coffee. We’re told smoking weed is bad, but we have these lovely blue pills you can take once a day to feel better, and don’t mind the side effects. Well, if your arm suddenly falls off maybe you should worry about the side effects and call a Doctor, but not before that! Oh, and please sign this form saying you won’t sue us if your arm falls off, which never happens. almost.

Yay.

Sometimes we know success. We gradually increase our skills and our wealth until we have those mortgages we are told we should aspire too. We go to school, we get our degrees, and we frame them for display. Sometimes we know failure, we miss our aspirations, the tried endeavor fails, that start up business you cared so much for never takes off. Sometimes shit happens. A natural disaster like a hurricane costs us everythings. The economy flies south, leaving us without jobs and destitute. Medical problems pop up, which are never cheap, especially in the U.S.

Yay.

And through all these different lives and different circumstances certain things remain the same for everyone. One of those things is depression. It can affect anyone, anywhere, and at any time. For some of us, too many of us, depression becomes a constant companion. To quote a line from Colonel Tigh in Battlestar Galactica, “it’s a bottle that never runs dry.” Most times we’re forced to drink from the never-dry bottle, and sometimes we take a sip of our own volition. Because, just like coffee or your poison of choice, we get used to it.

Yay.

Is there a rhyme or reason to it? Probably not. Robin Williams made everyone he met laugh, but it seems he was always crying inside. From the outside peering in, it looked like he had it all, and lived a life many would consider paradise. Obviously, the view was quite different inside. I went through a surgical procedure where the anesthetic didn’t take, but we had to go through it anyway. It left me traumatized, and the view became different inside. Yet, I know people who have been through worse experiences, like waking up in the middle of being opened on the table, who seem to be doing better than most well-adjusted.

Yay.

Dealing with others is never easy. Even if I could become comfortable enough to attempt to articulate what I was going through to others, they most likely would not understand. What’s a major trauma for you may be “no big deal” to others. Sadly, people with the “no big deal” mentality always forget “no big deals” add up, and fifty or one hundred “no big deals” easily become a big deal, a VERY big deal.

Sigh…….yay.

It can make getting the right kind of help more difficult. Sometimes you can find the right people to help, and sometimes only you can help yourself. In my case, at this time, only I can help myself. So why share it? Well, I am not suggesting anything to anyone, I am certainly no expert. I have no fountain of wisdom to draw upon, only experiences.

Yay.

Experiences that can leave you sitting there, trying to focus, but instead replay in your mind over and over again. Mistakes made, arguments that can’t be taken back, the haunting realization that nobody is right and nobody is wrong, and I was stupid to care THAT MUCH about who knows what. The weight that grows and grows, the terrible past we wish we could change, or the wonderful past we long for. The weight of the present, bills and taxes, family and friends, every problem solved replaced by two more. Everything is a priority and multitasking makes a 40 hour week feel like 400,000. The weight of the future, wondering how things will go, if we’ve prepared enough, how long people will be with us, or if people will spontaneously explode from a stupidity overload.

Yay!

Sometimes I gotta shake my brain up to silence the voices. Ahem, not LITERAL voices. Just the cacophony constantly drumming in the mind. Sadly, I personally have no foolproof method that helps……..but if you tip me $1 I’ll write a separate article pretending I do. “Depression with Duskshadows, how to slay that dragon!”

YAY!

That’s one method, Cracking bad jokes. Giving myself a chuckle can help. Physical activity can help. I occasionally waddle down the street to let the middle aged muscles complain louder than my errant thoughts. Watching something new can help get the mind going, as can watching something old I haven’t seen in a long time. Reading can also help, but it’s hard to switch gears into writing mode when I do that. One might think it’s easier, and for others it probably is, but sometimes I dwell on what I was reading and can’t risk letting it influence my work.

Nay!

I mentioned writing in the sub-title, but have not mentioned it again until now. Mostly because there was so much to try to contextualize first. My depression isn’t anyone else’s depression. Their depression isn’t my depression. What’s no big deal to me can be a very big deal to others. What helps me won’t always help others. And there’s also the possibility I am beyond help!

NAY!

I have always loved to write. I really have should it done it more over the years. But I can sit in my chair, ready to go, then a stray thought sends me down the rabbit hole. Sometimes I can pull out of it without doing anything special. Sometime I can do something else briefly to get myself back in gear. And sometimes I can’t. The hardest part was accepting that there is no shame in that. Sometimes you just can’t pull out of it. Not even with a blue pill. Sometimes I can still be productive by switching to research, where focusing on something new might help a little and help reassure myself I am still making progress even when I’m really not.

Um, yay?

Writing isn’t all there is, though. I can sit in the same chair and the thought of getting a glass of water seems like too much. Writing is the goal, proper self-care is the path. Sometimes we don’t always know what that is, and we stumble on the path, but we have to keep our eye on the goal, and keep taking one more step, no matter how difficult it may seem.

YAY!

Finally, I want to share something that has helped a lot since the first time I saw it. It was a picture of a female zebra lying helplessly in the grass giving birth. Meanwhile, two male lions stood nearby and waited patiently for dinner to be delivered. That is life. We don’t want to talk about it these days, but Princess Bride summed it up best “Life IS pain, Highness. Anyone who says different is trying to sell you something.”

I can always remember there are always those who have it worse, and they keep on going. My girlfriend is trans, I mention it because there was a time things were even darker for her. She pulled through those dark times, and now my life is blessed with her presence. Could I do any less than she has done? We don’t have to be the lions, but we should never be the zebras.