Why Have I Lost All My Confidence?

(Question from a subscriber). I’m 22 years old and have absolutely no confidence. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and when guys hit on me I think they feel bad for me or are just being nice. My family has always made remarks about me being worthless and my little sister, who has a revolving door for boys, is embarrassed for me. I just feel like I’m too ugly and too fat and that nobody would ever want me. Is there any hope for me?

(Answer). That sounds very painful and difficult. When confidence hits rock bottom, especially when external factors like family teasing and dating comparisons contribute, the emotional load can be heavy. It must be very unpleasant for you, if all you are getting is negativity coming at you, especially from those closest to you who should be valuing you. Not a good place to be, I’m sure.

However, you haven’t lost your confidence; it’s simply hiding from you right now.

First, you cannot minimise the actions of your family, so know that the pain you feel from their teasing and dating comparison is real and valid. Those are attacks on your worth, from the people who should be nurturing you. Not surprisingly, those attacks cloud how you see yourself. Your immediate priority is to stop letting external opinions define your internal value.

A huge point many people with low self-esteem do not often realise is that the greatest cause of low confidence is our home: the way we are brought up and the support we have. It does not seem as though you have too much support at the moment, but you have lots of time to turn it around, so don’t worry.

The first thing to do is to begin to appreciate who you are and to try to love yourself. I know it is difficult to do, but no one can love what you reject. So stop thinking that you are “fat and ugly”. If you believe that about yourself, how can anyone else think otherwise?

You really have to like yourself if you want guys to like you, too. That self-love will make you seem more attractive, instead of being just gloomy and negative. As hard as it is, just keep telling yourself EVERY DAY how lovely and attractive you are, how unique and special (because you are, there’s no one else like you in history!), and say it as often as you can in your head. You need to get on top of the negative thoughts which are your constant company and replace them with more positive, uplifting ones, because thoughts are the keys to the quality of your life. Negative thoughts maintain poor self-esteem because people treat you exactly how you treat yourself, which then makes you feel even worse.

How to Rebuild Your Confidence

If you are not sure how to reclaim your confidence and begin to love yourself, here are three simple steps to start with:

1. Get out of the Comparison Trap: You are comparing your entire self to other people’s experiences (like their dates and perceived looks) which will only make you feel more inadequate. Recognise that your siblings’ dating lives have nothing to do with your worth. For the next 48 hours, consciously refuse to compare your life to anyone else’s. In fact, try it for just 24 hours, if two days seem too long.

2. Challenge your Inner Critic: The voices telling you that you’re “ugly and fat” are often the loudest critics - and they are usually wrong. The next time you have a negative thought about yourself, stop and replace it with a neutral or kind observation instead. (For example: If you think, “I look terrible,” reframe it to: “I am a person who is trying her best today. I am fine however I look.”)

3. Achieve One Small Win: Confidence is built on evidence of your competence. Today, choose one small task you’ve been putting off (e.g., sending an email, tidying a drawer, clearing that cupboard), and complete it. This small success proves you are capable. It also starts building momentum, which is the foundation of renewed self-belief. Follow that up with just ONE key task per day to finish. At the end of the week, you would have done SEVEN things which should gradually boost your positive feelings, and give you an even greater sense of achievement.

Most important, try and accept that you ARE worthy. If you don’t accept that fact, you will always put off people from making connections with you. Your value is intrinsic within you. It cannot be earned or lost based on a date, a comment, or a number on a scale. Focus only on treating yourself with the respect you deserve, starting right now, because self-respect is the foundation for how you want to feel.

At the same time you are doing those steps, try to build up other friendships outside your home which are more supportive and positive. You cannot help the family you are born into, but you are an adult now, so you can build up other social friendships which will make you feel much better, and reduce the time you have to spend hearing negative comments. If you don’t feel ready for that yet, there are online social networking sites like Facebook or Bluesky that can help you make new friends who like you as you are, and will build your esteem. Taking an interest in others will take the focus off yourself. You will be even more interesting as a person because you will feel more included in social interactions.

Often when we are unhappy we retreat inside of us and notice the negative things, while ignoring the positive ones, which only makes us appear self-centred and boring to be with.

Confidence comes from within us, but it is tied up with our feeling of belonging, acceptance, achievement and self-esteem.

Once you sort out these key aspects, especially the self-esteem and feeling of achievement, your confidence will grow. But it does take a while without positive help. You have to make a superhuman effort to be positive in that kind of unsupportive environment; to focus upon good things and ignore the negatives around you.

Begin to appreciate that guys do like you because you are attractive, and they will lose interest if you never return their attention. Most of all, begin to give thanks and gratitude for your life, to welcome every new day instead of taking it, and your blessings, for granted and focusing only on what is wrong. You will gradually begin to feel much better about yourself, your true value, and what you want for your life.

Above all, you will start trusting yourself more, and gradually realise that your worth does not depend on your family’s approval, but on what YOU think of yourself.