Why Forgiving Is the Last Step in The Process and What Comes First

"True forgiveness comes when you see that there is something absolutely glorious within you, that no one can ever touch" ~ Eckhart Tolle

I grew up in a family with many traumatic experiences.

My father was a hard worker, but he left me with scars and loss of self-confidence.

My mother cooked me my favorite food and let me sleep in her bed when I was scared, but she attacked my insecurities when I frustrated her. My friends played badly, but she wiped away my tears as we both tried to survive together in my religious school, which is like a denomination.

As a child, I lacked the tools and mental development to deal with these complex feelings. It was all black and white. I had no idea that people were so big, beautiful, and sometimes poisonous gray. After a year of depression, I found the Internet, and I wanted to start treatment.

Every article has raised an apology, and I’m glad I ignored that particular advice, because it’s more complicated than that.

I decided to focus on treatment instead, it started the madness of madness. There was a lot of exaggeration, a lot of tears, and total perfection. But there were also love and joy, friends, and moments of incredible peace.

Six years later, one day later, I woke up and realized that my parents were no longer worried. I saw them as individuals and forgave them for their cruelty. I set boundaries without further ado, and after a fierce battle, I was able to let go of any resentment I felt.

How do I handle this in the world?

Accept the pain.

The trauma is very fast. There are lasting consequences, and we can be foolish to ignore them. Even mental-health professionals agree that the goal of recovery is not to eliminate the effects of the disease, but to stay in the present without being completely overwhelmed by the past and the future.

And for many of us, it hurts.

It is heartbreaking for a girl who has spent her high school years battling depression and eating disorders because her family criticizes her weight.

It hurts a young man who struggles with anxiety all his life, and his existing condition is aggravated by fearsome bullies and an unstable home environment.

It pains me, a girl who has lost her childhood because of anxiety and fear, and who has never felt safe around her father.

For a long time, I was looking for a way to get back. Hold on, let's forget the trauma and depression, can I just be a normal kid? Visit friends and swear at their slime collection, and laugh at memes, and cry and fall in love? Can my diary be filled with rubbish like crazy things, instead of obscene questions begging me, why are you so lazy? Why are you so sad, and depressed, and wicked—

And that brings me to my next point.

Don’t get caught up in your abuser patterns, and don’t give your power to them.

At first, I tried to adjust. I filled the pages with goals between goals. Get small pumpkins. Speak slowly. Stop forgetting things. Stop wandering. Stop being lazy. Stop being you. Ima. Ima. Ima.

I was a child. Your whole world, your survival, depends on the two most flawed people who feed and clothe you and raise you. I thought that maybe if I was better, they would treat me better.

But in the end, I found an article about abuse. There was this test work, and I marked points for twenty letters. “Congratulations! You are a survivor… ”

I’m not a problem, I think, looking at the screen. They are a problem.

So, I went down a new road. Instead of trying to recover, I tried to fix it, and when I did, I was irritated by the way they treated me

My parents used this rage as another bullet in their gun.

“Have you ever seen a child so aggressive?” "F * cking baby" "I'm trying to speak well, stop yelling!"

And they kept shooting at my heart, every time I told them to stop.

“Stop commenting on my ugly skin and my weight. To say that I am a failure, that I will never succeed in life. Stop blinking at me every time I make a mistake, or I forget something. ”

Stop, stop, stop.

But they did not stop. Trying to fix it was worse than trying to fix it. Why? Because you can't get other people's closures. You cannot control their actions.

After a hundred arguments, I was sitting next to my bed. Then he hit me. They'll never look me in the eye and say, "I'm sorry, I'll try to change." Whenever I tried to talk about my weaknesses, they would tear me to pieces and rub salt in my blood. I will never get the closure I needed from them.

I stayed there for a long time. Tears welled up in my eyes. Then I opened my journal and wrote, "Dear Diary, I'm so tired…"

Love them during the journey.

I kept postponing my happiness. I was constantly waiting for two flawed people, who were harassing me mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically, so that I could finally move on. As a result, I have never tried treatment on my own.

When I opened that magazine, I was still working on the belief that I was "not good enough" and needed to be "better."

I tried to be perfect. I was scared to eat carbs and made myself a delicious meal. I have tried to be a perfect artist. At one point I hated every writing I ever did and threw away all the writing materials.

It took me a long time to realize that there is no “better” Are there important stages and visible signs of growth? Certainly. As long as I'm human, I'll struggle. Therefore, it is better for me to begin to love the imperfect soul that has been given to me or to die in my pursuit of “the better.”

That’s why I encourage you to start taking care of yourself. Remove the perfect pressure on your shoulders.

As a victim of bullying, I tried to pretend I was unprotected so I would never feel sad, I would never cry sitting in a ceramic toilet again.