Who's There?

Life has an odd way of showing you things you never thought were possible. It shows you how to love, how to lose, how to win, how to fail, and how to succeed. What it doesn't show you is how to stop your mind from racing at night, preventing you from a restful slumber. It has plenty of things it offers to help ease your mind but none that simply stops your negative thoughts. Being someone who has always been in a room full of people and still felt alone, I search for things daily to help put my mind at ease. I find that my mind is best as ease when I lay silent, at night and listen to the nature. Waiting and hoping that something shows up to comfort me. Just laying in the dark, staring into the darkness, with the last little bit of hope.

It was completely silent. I had a long day dealing with my chronic pain and illness, work stress and just general loneliness. I had spent countless hours scrolling social media, talking to friends and family, yet, still I was alone. I laid silent fighting the anxiety and depression that absorbed every ounce of energy I had managed to find. My dog was cuddled up by my side, trying her very best to comfort me. She has always been so good at reading me. She's really the only living thing that loves me unconditionally it seems like. As I laid there, I thought about my life, everyone in it and how I just needed to find something to keep me going. I just needed to find a passion, a hobby, something. I just needed to find beauty, in my life, in myself and I needed to celebrate being young, alive, and free. But I couldn't. I laid there completely overcome by emotion, I could feel tension in my shoulders. I could feel the sudden urge to cry, to scream, to laugh. What was wrong with me ? I'm an introvert with extrovert tendencies. I present myself as outgoing, cheerful, love to be in a crowd, and love to be the life of the party. But,really, I have social anxiety, I don't enjoy crowds, I don't like being the center of attention. I am comfortable living my life off of the radar. I am afraid of rejection and afraid of not being accepted. All of these things soaring through my mind and I began to cry. I cried myself to sleep that night.

I rarely remember my dreams. This particular night, I had such a vivid dream. In my dream, I was laying in my bed thinking, when I heard something in the tree outside of my window. I looked, but didn't see anything. I laid there silent. There was something so calming about the noise I had heard. I laid there, hoping to hear it again. A few minutes pass by and finally, I heard it again! "Who's There?" I exclaimed. I hopped up and got closer to my window to see what I could see. The object in the tree moved slightly and the moonlight lit it up. I was in awe. The breathtaking creature that I couldn't take my eyes off of, was a beautiful barn Owl. It's gorgeous golden eyes stared back at me and it stayed very still. I didn't move. I couldn't. I never wanted to stop looking at this beautiful creature and didn't want to startle it. As I was staring at the Owl, I heard a familiar voice. It was my voice, but the Owl was talking. As clear as I have ever heard anything, I heard it say "Your life is yours and how you live it is your choice. No one or nothing can dim the light inside of you that you possess. You are strong. You hold the key to your own happiness and until you realize just how rare and special you are, you will continue to feel alone." "When you wake from your sad slumber, your life will be how you choose to live it. Be courageous. You are never alone if you've got yourself.

I woke up different. The previous night's sadness had been lifted and I felt lighter. I felt like the black cloud that had been hanging over me for a long time was finally gone. I remembered my dream so vividly it was as if it had happened when I was awake. I truly believe that in my hour of loneliness and desperation for answers, my true inner self was sent to me in the form of the Owl to open my heart and mind to unfailing wisdom that could help me live my very best life. The only time I ever felt peace was when I was looking at nature, something in the wild, something beautiful, something unique. So when I exclaimed "Who's There?!" It was me. For the first time I came face to face with my inner self and felt the rush of joy, peace, uniqueness and beauty I had never recognized before. Finally, I accept myself for who I am, an introvert with extrovert tendencies who also possesses the same beauty and uniqueness that I had always searched for in other people and things.