Who is She?

She stared me down, looking me in the eyes as she spewed insults.

God! You are so stupid! How in Hell did you even get this far?

Criticism is her well honed weapon and I’m the one she turns it on.

Just stop eating you fat lazy cow! Not that it would matter. Being any less fat won’t make you prettier.

She has her favourite themes and every mistake I make, no matter how small, earns a tirade I’ve heard before.

Can you just get yourself organised? Why do you always have to be losing shit? If you just pulled your head out of the clouds, you’d be a better person!

I don’t think her intention is to hurt me...

You are wrong. You are always wrong. I don’t know why anyone would ever listen to you.

... That doesn't stop it hurting.

Why do you bother trying? Why do you even bother getting out of bed? It would have been better if you have just stayed away.

Her next words cut deep.

You fuck up everything you touch.

You are not worth it. None of it. You are not worth other people’s time, you aren’t worth the money, the effort, the space. No one could love you. You are inherently unlovable.

Stop wasting everyone else’s time.

I hate who you are.

It all ends with me in tears, avoiding everyone and everything. Because what’s the point?

But I can’t avoid her.

I love her so much.

I wish she could love me the same.

Have you guessed who she is? Who could be so savage to me?

She is me.

The second Thursday in September is R U OK day. The aim of the day is to encourage people to connect with others. I’ve heard people rag on the concept and the most common comment I’ve hear is asking are you OK on one day a year won’t do anything. They are not entirely correct. On the surface, one day seems pointless. But one day and one question start something bigger.

They start a conversation.

One of the conversations I really appreciate is one championed by Will McMahon and Woody Whitelaw (you can find their website here). The guys have a radio show in the afternoon on KIIS 97.3 (Qld) and one of their segments is about lifting each other up, paying and receiving compliments. Today, their segment was a little different. They were highlighting negative self talk. And the point they really wanted to drive home was, if you wouldn’t say it to someone else, you shouldn’t say it to yourself.

The R U OK? organisation's mission statement is to inspire and empower people to meaningfully connect with those in their world and lend support when they are struggling with life.

Part of this is inspired by the drive to help prevent suicide.

I have struggled with negative self talk in the past and I know it can be very hard to overcome. And while I still back slide occasionally, I am in a much better relationship with myself today.

If you are reading this and you are struggling, I want you to know something.

You are worth it.

Period. No addendum. No conditions. You are worth it.

If you need help, please reach out. And if you are tempted to say but everyone has their own issues, they don’t need my burdens too, there is a friend or family member ready to listen. If you don’t feel like you can reach out to someone you know, there are organisations like R U OK? who will listen, no judgement.

No matter which side of the conversation you fall on, take the opportunity to make the most of a conversation that starts with, are you OK? (Or a similar variation)