Where Have My Dreams Gone?

It all started when I was a young girl. I've always wanted to portray the "pretty girl on screen." Whoever it was, white or black...I wanted to be...her. A far off, never reaching version of myself that only lives in my mind. At least that's what I'm realizing now. Dreaming about becoming an actress and promising people that they will see me on the big screen one day seemed to drive me. It seemed to give me a purpose, that I was going to be one of the biggest, most fabulous A list, award-winning actress and have all this money to spend, save, and use. My goal by 18/21 was to have my dream job as an actress, at 23 get married, then an 25 have kids and 27 work on television as I reach "retirement". Like WTF? I'm 26 right now and none of those things have come true yet. Matter fact, I currently still live with my parents and I still feel like I'm 24 or something. I've always wanted to live in the city and to think that because I dreamed it of living in some penthouse in Manhattan by my 20 somethings or because I pinned a photo of a gorgeous rich cliff hanging house on Pinterest that I was going to magically have it. What I realized about a year or two ago is that half of my dreams were just dreams. I had no action plan behind it. And all YOUR fantasies will remain fantasies unless you actually get up and physically and kinetically do something about it.

Its not too late however to hold that dream alive. A lot of actresses started in their mid, late twenties or even their thirties. What I came to discover also is that I'm not yet ready for the dream fame filled lifestyle that I say I want. I still have a lot of inner work to do on myself, so my soul can feel completely independent, rich, and free. So why aren't I acting you ask? Well, long story short along the way in my journey of switching majors from theater to film in college and learning how to make a movie forreal, something got lost and confidence was lowered. All of a sudden, the "what-if-they-don't-like-it" syndrome started coming out, and imagining me doing certain things in acting that may embarrass me crept in my thinking. Absolute ridiculous stuff that will definitely keep my acting career under water. But knowing that the best actors are the ones who don't care what other people think as well as directors, and just learning to open your mouth to ask people for helping your own production is key to success in that field.

So, why are you still not whole-heartedly pursuing it? Because well... I don't really know. Since college, I've gotten caught into this really funky cloud of depression. The type that just says, ahhh, I don't feel like it. The type that shoots your creativity and confidence down for fresh skit ideas and youtube material. I have a chronic case of it. I will try something and quit it the next moment because I don't "feel" like finishing. I wish this wasn't a problem for me, but it truly is. I'm in therapy and everything but for some reason, my actions don't seem to match up with what my heart says my true dream in life is.

I'm just glad I can use VOCAL to speak my mind and speak my truth while getting paid for it. I continue to have ideas and dreams, and my inner self says that what I'm going through is a phase...just probably a 6 year phase -_- It feels good to be free and let the world know what I'm feeling. A journal can only do so much.