When life gives you lemons

It’s funny the way Christians would go through testimony olympics to try and prove their radical faith for God.

Pre-Savation: *insert all the terrible, sinful and life threatening events engaged in*

Post-Salvation: *insert a picture displaying a complete 180° turnaround*

I think it’s beautiful and I admire the change, but I don’t see me. Truth be told, the terrible, sinful and life threatening events happened post salvation for me.

I didn’t have the radical testimony pre salvation that set hearts ablaze and moved a congregation - to be honest, I’ve always been inclined to G*D. I may not have really grasped the essence of my faith nor had a personal walk with Him, but I was no stray led dog crawling back to their Maker. And so when I made that life changing commitment 10 years again, I just thought things would only go from good to great.

Lo and behold, it did not.

Transparency moment: I never wanted my story to be the same as those who lived a challenged life. I wanted to be that squeaky clean, admirable and sought after Christian. A token girl. One that was always strong, represented her faith well and walked confidently in her identity.

So when life really started to humble me, I didn’t know how to react. When I found myself in situations that compromised my integrity, I lost sight of my source. When I had fallen into repeated mistakes, I didn’t trust my source. And when I was in the midst of trials and tribulations, I forsook my source.

Christians will confidently tell you about their past, but not enough will tell you about the present. Because it can be just as gritty, straneous, wild and fall out of line with the status quo.

Imagine how I felt when the life I was living post this declaration of faith seemingly looked worst than the prior.

Did I question who I was? Maybe I wasn’t as saved as I had anticipated.

Did I leave the faith? Maybe this isn’t for me, it’s too hard and I keep stumbling.

...

I accepted my reality for what is was.

I had spent years, especially over the last 1-2 years, constantly trying to strive and get back to a place where I was before. Life before the trail and errors. Life before the mistakes and regrets. Life before the worry and stress. I wanted to be confident in who I was, I wanted the self hate to stop and I wanted to reclaim back my peace. But in scrabbling for the reality I thought once was, I had been missing out on the opportunity to become. Life filled with endurance. Life fuelled by trust and hope. Life led by forgiveness and surrender. Life in contentment. I’m learning to stop. To release myself of the life I thought that once was, and cleave to what life could become.

I let go and never looked back.

When I look to the things and the people in my life, I only ever want it to be a reflection of the life I have been called into. One of love and acceptance, affirmation and correction, and joy and peace. In me levelling up, there was a lot of dead weight I had to leave in the past. There was a lot of dead weight I had no business in allowing into my life in the first place. Trust your gut when certain things or people seem out of touch with the life you’re cultivating for yourself. When you’re aware of your identity and where you want to be, excercise integrity and walk firmly in your choices.

I remain hopeful and expectant.

The trials may persist, things that aren’t meant for me may still try to rear their heads, and I may even be tempted - but in all, I remain hopeful, and I remain expectant. Hopeful for my integrity in my identity to carry me through, and for my desires to coincide. And expectant for grace to be my strength and peace through it all.

Selah 🤞🏽