Leaving behind Esther in 2020 ✌🏽

Plot twist: I am the ghetto in my 2020.

The time for self reflection conveniently goes hand in hand with the year drawing to a close, and I have had a lot to reflect on, especially in this last quarter of the year.

Though not always encouraging, it’s often easy to point to the circumstances that have contributed to the outcome of your year, be it good or bad - blaming Boris and co. for their shambolic leadership would be a sufficient enough excuse for the stressful year many of us have faced - but, if we could be honest with ourselves for 5 minutes - could certain traits, habits and behaviours of ours also be the cause of our Ls and worthwhile to be left in the bin?

A few things I’ve learnt about myself that I’m hoping to leave behind in 2020:

Living life from a place of thought over reality

You ever be so caught up in your thoughts that it’s given you a headache or left you in a bad mood? That is me and I am this. I’ll be starring in my own full blown theatre show, props and everything, mapping out my life, from the opening scene, through to the plot twist, and the happily ever after ending. And when I snap out and look to my reality that doesn’t quite match up to that in mind, I feel disconnected which leads to discontentment. I have robbed myself from so much peace, joy and gratitude because I have spent less time engaging with my reality than I have in wonderland, which has ultimately fostered more of my fears, doubts and insecurities.

🤚🏽 Next year, I pledge to focus on what’s in front me of and not allow my ideals to rob me of my reality. There is beauty in the present that the past has no control over and the future may not guarantee. I choose to delight in who I am for what I am, and in the midst of all what the new year has to offer.

Obsessing and controlling

'Let go and let live' - popular saying amongst some, but has anyone ever successfully managed to do so? In the face of life altering decision making, my faith is tested the most and unfortunately, it hasn’t always proven to be rooted in the right hope. Many times I have found myself making over-calculated decisions out of trying to make sense of situations myself, or not making decisions at all because I’m so indecisive. I’m often bouncing between these two extremes with no in-between, and because of this, I have cost myself new opportunities, unwavering love, and personal growth.

🤚🏽 Next year, I pledge to take more risks with the unknown. I may not know how exactly a situation is going to pan out, but I can trust in the one who knows my end from the beginning. I choose to trust in the restoration of things which I have lost, to reconcile broken relationships, and to take authority over the things I fail to.

False humility and self-righteousness

In the wake of the self-proclaimed notion - “Only G*D can judge me”, I have often found myself behaving otherwise. In trying to live according to a standard of righteousness, I have taken out the key element of grace and conformed to the lifestyle of a Pharisee. In doing so, I have hurt the very people who trusted and loved me. I had placed myself on a pedestal and belittled those who failed to mirror me, deceiving myself that it was for a greater good. All the while, not only was I expressing self-righteousness, but pride and false humility.

🤚🏽 Next year, I intend to be so focused on the log wedged in my own eye and to show love and patience to others on the same walk. I choose to be open to receiving and accepting correction. To be held accountable. To grow with people. And to love and to serve from a heart that has been forgiven and has received grace.

Not seizing the day

If there’s a term that’s the direct opposite of ‘carpe diem’, that would be the most befitting way to sum up me this year. I have failed to take each day as it is at one go. Instead, I must always calculate or try to reason how one thing will impact me in the next 5 years. And whilst this trait can be required and very useful, it has also led to me becoming a lot more scrutinising of everything and everyone. This has caused sleepless nights and an intense Esther.

🤚🏽 Next year, we’re choosing PEACE. Pretty lady wey no like no stress, word to WizKid. Vibes only. Each day has enough worries of it’s own, and if this year should have taught us all anything, is that life is a blessing. I choose to wake up grateful and delight in all the day has in store.

Peace and love,

Cheers to 2021 🤞🏽🥂