When is the Turning Point?

Where do I begin? February of 2018 is where everything started to change.

Throughout the years I slowly began to lose who I was. Every birthday that came around, I would question where my life was going. I wasn't happy in the relationship I was in and my future seemed rocky. I knew I had so much more to offer, but my purpose wasn't clear. I began to doubt everything I was doing; was this was a mid life crisis? I'm not sure, but what I did know is I was slowly destroying myself by putting other people before myself. I was sending myself to rock bottom—I knew I was doing it but I didn't know how to fix it. I felt trapped. And just when I needed it, life threw me a few curve balls to help open my eyes.

The first curve ball—my dad had a accident at work. He fell from a ceiling (Five meters high), he was taken to hospital as he had possible bleeding to the brain, broken neck/back, broken wrists, and suspected injures elsewhere; he had to undergo emergency brain scans, MRI's, and X-Rays. Once the results came back clear for brain bleeding, he went for surgery to his broken wrist. But he had to remain in hospital to undergo physio treatment for his memory loss, as his first memory was from 15 years prior to the accident. Each day he improved, and after seven days, he was released. But during this time, I was terrified. It was one of the scariest moments of my life.

The second curve ball—I injured my ankle at soccer, the one thing that brings me so much joy. At first, I thought I had broken my ankle, which after everything it probably would've been a better outcome. After an X-Ray & MRI, they found that my ATFL (Anterior Talofibular Ligament) had completely detached and I had ruptured my surrounding ligaments. So, the next step was to see a specialist, who advised against surgery as it was a longer recovery time (six to eight months); and because I was still young, his advice was to concentrate on rehab and hope that the other muscles and ligaments should help support my ankle - but not to rule our surgery in future. This still left me in a moon boot for five weeks, and then a total of four months to be back on the pitch playing. I was shattered, heartbroken.

The third curve ball—I found out I had been lied to for many years by my then boyfriend. I had questioned him many times regarding this issue, but it was always denied. After being unhappy in the relationship for so long, but being so scared to leave, it was the last straw. Enough was enough, and I parted ways.

Throughout my experiences I have learnt some very important lessons. Even though they also came with deep sadness and hurt, I always felt like it was for a reason. I look back, and I am just so proud of myself. So proud that I came out the other side, positive about my past and stronger than before. If I had settled and thought negatively about each situation, I would still be in that same mindset of "I'm not sure where my life is headed, what is my purpose?" and still unhappy within myself. I now understand that phrase that you always hear—Everything happens for a reason. For this, I now appreciate my family, I now take my fitness and health seriously, and I now see my worth—anyone that does not value me, I no longer associate myself with. I guess some people may call me selfish, but I choose to be that way, to be the best version of myself. Cutting people from your life is sometimes necessary for your peace; you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

I understand that when you feel like you're struggling and life is really challenging you, it is difficult to see "the lessons to be learnt," it's difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But remember this: a month, six months, a year or two earlier, you thought the same. You were in a position that threatened all that you had, you didn't think you would survive. But look where you are now. You did survive. You reminded yourself of what good you still do have to give, even if you are surviving each day as it comes, that's okay—you got this. You have the strength to save yourself. Because if you quit now, you'll end up right back where you first began; and when you first began you were desperate to be where you are right now, so keep going.

I was in this exact position almost a year and a half ago. I thought when will this end, when will things get better, but I took each day as it came. I found things I was grateful for and concentrated on that. But I found myself in a place where I felt alone and didn't speak up about how I was feeling as I was never one to talk openly about my emotions, I didn't want to burden anyone—because everyone has their own struggles. I learnt to depend on myself a lot, most of my strength comes from having to pull myself out of those places. Think, what is hurting you now? It won't last forever. And to talk to the ones you love and trust if you are struggling, it's not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.

Fast forward to now and I couldn't be happier with my life. I now look back to where I was and I am so proud of myself. I walked away from a relationship, friendships, the security of a job—anything that no longer allowed me to grow, be my true self or see my worth. I'm beyond grateful for my experiences. I have met the man of my dreams who supports me like no other. I quit my nine to five job. I no longer associate myself with friends who don't see my worth. And I put my feelings before everything. My life has changed for the greater good & I hope you feel the same; if not today or tomorrow, then in the near future.

I'll leave you with some of my favourite quotes:

• Stop changing who you are for people who don't even know themselves.
• Don't be afraid to lose people. Be afraid of losing yourself by trying to please everyone around you.
• Decide what kind of life you want, then say no to everything that isn't that.
• Faith is when you take the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase.
• Most people rely on romantic relationships, friends & family for a sense of identity but it is important to ask yourself who you are without your attachment to other people.
• Believe in the direction your heading, try to see the bigger picture.

And my all time favourite:

• DO YOU, ALWAYS.

—Deana xo