When I Was An A**hole Capricorn

Capricorn (♑︎) is the tenth sign in the zodiac, originating from the tropical constellation of Capricornus, the horned goat. It's a fitting description.

If you were born between December 22nd and January 19th and feel like a moody, horned goat on a mission, then I'm sure we share some suitably desirable traits and at times, some not-so-desirable traits.

Tell anyone who's a fan of the zodiac that you're Capricorn and I'm sure with a knowing face, they'll tell you that they already knew. It's happened to me a few times.

Capricorn is a sign that represents time and responsibility, we are usually serious and hardworking by our very nature. We are renowned for our ability to lead the way, make solid and realistic plans, and probably most important of all, we are good at learning from mistakes. Our independence and head-strong attitudes however can get the better of us; we are very good at pushing people away and isolating ourselves at the same time.

Despite my best efforts, I've always been told by friends and family that I'm a difficult person. I've also been told I'm a typical Capricorn and over time, I wonder if this is why I'm a challenge to get on with. Read and see for yourself.

Trait 1: Being lost in your (goat-horned) head

The year is 1994 and I'm a tiny toddler. My tummy is full of good food and juice. We're on the way back from a family holiday to Cornwall and we stop off at a gas station. My somewhat reluctant father carries in me in his arms to the store to pay and I'm miles away, lost in a little, toddler dream world about Teletubbies and candy floss.

For some reason only toddlers can understand, I proceed to wee all down him, until there is a deep, yellow puddle on the tiles of the store floor.

When asked what my earliest memory is, I always tell the story of my little two year old self crying, embarrassed and upset in realization at what's happened whilst a smiling store assistant mops up. My father is not impressed. It's all a bit surreal to remember it now as an adult nearly 3 decades later. I suppose the moral of the story is to never day dream on a full bladder if you're a Capricorn.

Advice for Capricorns:

Other than bladder related advice (which I still think is pretty important), if you find yourself daydreaming, try gently to bring yourself back to the present. Get up and leave the situation or do something productive, even if it's just one small task. I find having a day-to-day list of things to achieve that day helps to keep me grounded from daydreaming as I get a little kick out of ticking things off my list.

On a more serious note, if you find yourself daydreaming constantly make a note of what exactly it is you're thinking about, like a dream journal. You might be surprised as to what is hogging so much of your brain. The results can be quite telling.

Trait 2: Being a bit of a know-it-all

In an ideal scenario I'd like to pretend this happened much, much later in life but unfortunately we're still stuck in the mid 90s here. Again I'm still a toddler but I'm definitely in the terrible twos by now. I stomp around like I own the place, pick up what I like regardless of how delicate or expensive it is and proceed to put it in my mouth. I'm forever being told not to do this but I'm a toddler know-it-all and I know best. It would seem I have moved on a great deal from the wee-wee incident in the gas station store.

My parents both work full time and are naturally exhausted from parenting, but one evening they make the sorry mistake of leaving out a half-filled glass of red wine on the coffee table. As they sit there watching TV my eyes notice the familiar looking drink - surely that's tasty, yummy strawberry juice in there - and I want it, right now. I'm too arrogant a toddler to question otherwise.

With my mother and father still busy watching TV, I choose my moment carefully and with two, tiny toddler hands I reach out and grab the glass.

As I down the red wine I hear my mother scream as I down the lot.

I'm a two year old Capricorn and I'm already an arrogant alcoholic.

Advice for Capricorns:

As a child I found this tough, as an adult it's near damn impossible. According to my best friend, the best thing you can do is to practice listening to others. Really listen to them and make sense of what they are saying whether you agree with it or not. If I'd listened to my mother I definitely wouldn't have downed all that red wine...it didn't taste great.

As hard as it sounds, stop saying 'actually', ask questions about what they're saying and (respectfully) share your thoughts with them.

Trait 3: Being just a little condescending

My little brother was born in 1996. In those days a nurse would come to visit once the baby had settled at home. They'd make all sorts of checks and examine the baby too, along with checking if the mother was ok.

Just out of the terrible twos and like any three year old, I like to dress up in fancy dress. Ripe for the occasion, my mother puts me in a nurse costume, ready to greet the real thing when she arrives. It's a lovely costume that comes with a nurse's bag, stethoscope and reflex hammer. I'm armed and ready to go.

When the nurse arrives to examine my tiny, baby brother I'm naturally very proud of him. I'm in my nurses gear and I watch her do her thing, checking him all over. I come to the decision that she's not doing a very good job and in fact, I, the three year old in a nurse's costume, can do a much better job.

I use my reflex hammer and crack it down on my baby brother's forehead, hard, right on the very sensitive, soft spot that all babies have...

To this day, my father tells me how the nurse exploded. I was in big trouble and my condescending Capricorn nature was to blame. I thought I was the better nurse.

Advice for Capricorns:

Well, provided you don't crack your baby brother over the head with a toy hammer this should work a treat. Instead of thinking you always know best and attempting to dominate a conversation by talking all the time, see how often you can start a conversation without using the word 'I'. You'll be surprised how often you use it.

Try to listen and take on board the opinions of others instead. Focus on understanding the point that they are making, and take a few minutes to digest the information. You may have the best advice in the world, but not everyone wants to or will appreciate hearing it. Quite often if they want it, they'll ask.

Trait 4: Capricorns are notoriously unforgiving

Out of the toddler years and into the teenage years, it's 2007 and I'm a hormonal, unhappy 13 year old with dyed black hair and an attitude problem. To be fair, my family have split up and we're on the verge of losing our family home. My school treat me as if I'm a waste of space and everything well and truly sucks.

I've had a major falling out with another girl in my year, not your average cat-fight in the playground but serious, passive aggressive bullying on her behalf. I'm being cut out of the social group.

One lunchtime I'm wandering around the strangely isolated locker room and I find myself in front of her locker. Many of the lockers are unlocked, as they often are; hers is no different. Spurred on by impulsive curiosity and smoldering anger I open the creaking door to her locker and peer inside.

Nearly new school shoes, washing up liquid, some school books, homework...

In a moment of madness I take the school shoes from the locker and throw them in one of those deep commercial bins for general waste. I then grab the washing up liquid and squirt it, spray it, empty every last horrible, green drop into her locker, drowning all her possessions in soapy goo.

What I did was wrong and to this day I feel guilty for what I did, particularly to her poor mother who had to pay for some new school shoes. I have since reigned in my Capricorn fury at those who hurt me and I am much more able to forgive, but I will never forget how I felt lacing her locker with green soapy goo.

Advice for Capricorns:

This is a tough one, I'm still pretty useless at achieving the art of forgiveness but I do try.

If you truly want to forgive someone, it's best to acknowledge what has happened and accept it. Remember that you can't change the past however hard you try, but you can build on and improve the present and the future. Make a commitment to be kind to yourself, insist that you are going to move on from what has happened, either by repairing your relationship with the person or promising to move on from simply hating on them. This won't happen overnight and it will take time.

In the long run, you'll suffer considerably less pain in forgiving someone than holding an exhausting grudge.

Trait 5: Fearing the worst

As we journey into adulthood, I get a sense of dread when I remember my 4 driving tests (yes there were 4). I can't do it I'm rubbish, I tell my driving instructor, crying literally all of the time as I drive slowly behind the wheel of a teeny Vauxhall Corsa.

The day of every driving exam goes the same - I panic, make mistakes and always fail in a hideous mess of tears and shame. Nothing I do puts a stop to the sinking feeling of getting in the driver's seat with a stern examiner and his clipboard.

The worst is certainly feared.

For one attempt I even down a bottle of Bach's Rescue Remedy for anxiety (legal, I assure you) and drive straight through red traffic lights. The examiner slams the breaks on. I fail the test.

The worst attempt comes when I give up mid exam on the A20 road. I get out of the car and cry on the layby, much to the fury and confusion of the examiner. To this day I'm surprised he didn't phone up and get me sectioned there and then, ambulance turn up and take me away in a straight jacket...

So the story goes: eventually I passed. My driving instructor stood by me, even when I feared the worst on a constant, near daily basis. If there's an award for patience in the presence of a Capricorn, it goes out to that guy.

Advice for Capricorns:

Aside from don't drink all the Rescue Remedy! -

It's just all too easy to get caught up in the tiny details of life. I still do this constantly but I am trying to change. Hell anything's possible.

Accept that failures can and will happen to everyone, even your smug colleague who seems to achieve at everything. You can only do your best, as long as you are trying. I sometimes find that making a note of all the good things that happened that day, week or month can be helpful in making me see the bigger picture and forget about the worst.

Trait 6: Drinking Too Much Coffee

Much like anyone else entering the world of work for the first time, my mid 20's saw a huge increase in the amount of caffeine I consumed. The tea I drank at university had been traded in for lattes, flat whites and cans of energy drink (brands irrelevant here). Not only were they trendy and tasty but they worked genuine magic. I was a young, trainee teacher trying to make it in the world and boy, was I exhausted.

So back to 2017, it's my second year of teaching and I have more than a few deadlines to handle: data drops, books to be marked, parents evening, you name it. I had to do it and I had to do it well and on time.

To get me through I purchase some snacks and 4 energy drinks from the nearby shop. The intention is to ration the supplies and make them last.

Unfortunately they last a grand total of 1 day.

I down the lot of 4 energy drinks in a 6 hour period and go on a strange little trip into headachesville. For the next 3 days I have what could only be described as the energy-drink hangover from hell. Light hurts my eyes. My body aches. I can't think straight beyond a wall of fluffy clouds blocking all ability to process information.

I've since been told you can (fatally) overdose on caffeine. Watch out Capricorns.

Advice for Capricorns:

There are lots of benefits of caffeine and hell it's really useful but it does have it's limits.

If you're getting the jitters or suffering from unexplained anxiety/panic attacks, cut back on the caffeine for a while, even if just by a few cups. You might find that you have headaches for the first few days that you cut back or go cold turkey, this is totally normal and is your body simply withdrawing. The best thing to do is to keep hydrated on something you enjoy (I moved on to fruit flavored tea) and to eat healthily.

Trait 7: Working too hard

Unlike the above traits, I don't have a particular story that comes to mind. Unfortunately this is not because it doesn't affect me that much, but rather the complete opposite. This is the trait that costs me the most.

Have you ever worked so late that you forgot about valentine's day or your best friend's birthday? Are you one of the people who is typing away on their computer at work and forgets a vital pet appointment at the vets? Ever been so consistently busy at work that you bailed on a much needed family holiday? Sadly, I'm one of those awful people who fall into the douchebag category of human beings and no, I'm not proud of it.

I've lost a lot of respect and friendships from others, but like many other job-drunk Capricorns, I am working towards trying to be a better person with time for others. I'm sure I'll get there one day.

Advice for Capricorns:

Look after yourself - if you don't, you won't be able to work as hard as you want to.

Ensure that you always have adequate breaks to avoid burnout. Be strict on your working times, obviously there will be days when you have to work late but keep this firmly in check. On the weekend especially set aside some dedicated time to just look after yourself without household chores or stress. Even if it's a simple trip out to get a coffee and read a book somewhere, your body will thank you later.