What Matters Is the Choice You Make Right Now

When I read this for the first time, I realized that I shouldn't be able to explain my situation. That was great for me, because my circumstances were embarrassing.

It was midnight and I was curled up instead of a baby, mostly alone in my Manhattan 7’x7 ’apartment. It was me, a lot of sleeping bugs, a lot of cockroaches, three bottles of alcohol, two packets of cigarettes, and one frustrating mind.

I always felt drawn to New York City, especially since I had grown up in theater, but that was not the end of it. For more than a decade before this move, I was living a life defined by hunger, binge drinking, fighting, fighting, and the constant need for numbness.

All my relationships were centered on my grief, partly because I saw compassion as a form of love, and partly because I didn’t know who I was more than my victim stories.

I blamed other people for all the harm in my life, and when I hurt other people. After that, I found it best to move on. It was safe that way - for everyone.

I felt stuck in every way I could - I was sitting next to myself in fear; sticking professionally, since I had a degree in acting and writing, but I had no confidence to pursue it; and I stuck with the perilous situation of living week by week because I couldn’t afford anything better.

Worse still, I felt I deserved the life I had created. And I wasn't sure if it was worth the effort to get something better. If the previous one was a specific indicator, I would find a way to mix it up.

Depressed, depressed, and wonderfully explained, I could not see a future without self-loathing and self-harm.

Then I got those words: "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond."

When I learned that, something went through my mind.

I realized that I had lived my whole life reacting angrily to things that happened to me when I was younger, and I felt ashamed of myself. I thought maybe I could better respond from that point forward and be proud of myself for doing it.

Maybe my health was not the essence of my pain and my mistakes. Maybe instead of judging where I was and feeling down for myself where I was standing at the time, I could give myself the strength to do something different from that moment on.

Probably all that mattered most was the choice I made at the time.

I did not make any major changes in the following months, but I made one major commitment: I found a nearby yoga studio where I could volunteer behind a desk in exchange for free lessons.

Suddenly, I had reason to smile — and not to mention an experience that brought me joy (though it did). My smiling face was the last thing people saw before entering the studio to take care of their minds and bodies.

Somehow, I was a part of something good, and I enjoyed that. I also felt happy to come to my mat every day, no matter what happened.

Now I was accumulating little reasons to be proud. It may not have been a big, big change, but it was a big change.

Those reasons filled many for others - quitting smoking, writing a series of personal articles, finding a low-paying studio to use, and finally, finding a travel job that took me out of NYC after two and a half years of stumbling and growing up.

Although I have since changed my foreign world by moving to California, dating, and starting this website, those changes are not the result of one moment waking up and doing everything differently.

Those changes are a result of changing my inner monologue from, “Why did I make such a bad decision?” to "What are the best choices I can make now?"

The big difference between me now and myself is that I no longer live alone in shame, I incorporate negative emotions and my own judgment, which ultimately makes me feel trapped.

I accept that I am human, and that part of it goes above and beyond. I know I'm going to have a hard time, and I know I can go back when I did, even if it takes a while.

I have learned that we are powerless. It may not always seem so, but we have a voice for what happens - and when events seem beyond our control, we have a voice for how we respond.

That's all we can control, and that's what's really important: the choices we make right now.