What am I worth?

Kant had a nice idea: "Humans have "an intrinsic worth, i.e. dignity," which makes them valuable' "above all price."

We have inherent value. In fact, we have inherent value and this is the fundamental basis of all ethics. Isn't that nice? The idea that we all deserve basic human dignity? That's why we should respect others. That's why we should love ourselves. We are an end itself. Except it's hard not to feel like we're a means to an end sometimes.

Almost all questions revolve around what we do for work, how we contribute to the economy in some way, and what sort of cog we are in the machine. Our value to the company, to the workforce. There's a reason why the unemployed are so depressed. And even in the domains of intimacy, our value appears contingent.

This is why Kant refused to entertain the idea of casual sex, as even when consenting, he felt that two individuals are simply using each other as a means to an end rather than the ends itself. Of course, this isn't new. Even in his time, marriages were used to expand political influence. But we can also look towards the more modern forums where lonesome adolescents bond over a view of sex that's little more than a battlefield of Stacies and Chads, where love is apparently banned entirely from the undesirables.

It's no surprise that the negative feedback loop of this crude and self-centered outlook sometimes results in violence. Excluding these special individuals, there are also a ton of people, roaming the earth, existing without value and purpose that haven't resorted to idolizing The Joker. Rather, they're just sad. With holes in their hearts.

Unlike Kant, it's hard for some to settle on any sort of justification for their existence, at least from time to time. If we don't have any sort of fundamental worth, then the price of human life is just composed of economic output and insurance policies.

I've felt this. The sinking empty sludge that comes over you as you slowly realize that the world would hardly recognize your absence. The swarming sea of bodies, of souls, lost to history, to never have their name mentioned again, who passed brutally and alone, without any affirmation that their brief time here was worth anything at all. To realize that you'll one day join them. Living for a legacy is a fool's game.

For a while, I sought affirmation in grades, looks, and social acclaim. The great thing about living now is that we have so many tools to measure our social worth, something that was historically immeasurable. Likes, follows, subscribers. I had little identity and would cling onto anyone or anything that gave me some sort of self--insight, some sense that I am here and this is okay. That I am okay. A rare sentiment to have. Like a shattered mirror, who I became was a set of fragmented pieces, reflecting whoever so happened to wander into its view.

To feel that one is okay on this Earth rarely comes from social media or relationships or success. I'm also not sure if it comes from within. But one day I stopped searching. I stopped this endless journey of looking for something that would make me feel alright. I realized that this sort of salvation is either impossible to find or entirely luck-based.

And so I focused on others. Instead of thinking about where I ranked in social situations, I enjoyed the company while it was there. I numbed the part of me, or perhaps I peacefully let it go, that anxiously sought approval and a sense of value. It is kind of selfish; to go through life with such a mindset.

From time to time I still feel worthless. I feel lonely, tired, and starving for some validation or acclaim. But it has significantly decreased. You do, in a sense, learn about yourself through focusing on others, both people and the external world in general. Day by day I realized that this was pretty fun and liberating. Especially compared to the frantic running around for approval. It does feel nice to be approved of but it's also nicer to know that this isn't a requirement to enjoy my time here. I think that's the point we should be striving for.